TIme Capsule Found

As we were boxing today, we ran across a time capsule that belonged to one of my daughters.  She was excited to open it.  It's from the year 2005 - so it's 6 years old.  Included in the capsule was this picture!  We had won something in our apartment complex at the time of this picture and we went to claim it.

Just thought I'd post this real quick because I was a little shocked to see this picture.  Seems like yesterday yet a lifetime ago!  I should blow it up and put it on my fridge to help me remember that I'm NEVER TO GO BACK!  

Maybe we should make a new time capsule! :)

The Funnest thing ever...

is RIDING MY BIKE!!
I love it, I love it, I love it!!!

Today we started boxing.  And I don't mean the sport... although it was kind of like a sport in that we got tired and sweaty.  Just my three kiddies and I and we did pretty good.  If I can get a good amount done every day, I'm hoping to not get overwhelmed.  But there is a LOT to do!  :)

Here is our meal together.  I made a family favorite for the first time in over a year:  Tator Tot Casserole.  I used extra lean ground beef and ground turkey breast, and light cheese.  It was delish.  The key is to have a big ol' salad with it.  I will not make this very often, I'm thinking.

So... after all our packing, it's nice to go for a little bike ride.  My thing is to ride without holding the handlebars.  It is so fun.  It freaks out my little guy and he keeps thinking I'll crash.

What is your funnest thing ever?

The Fear of Insignificance

I have a prominent memory of a time when I was 9 years old when on a Sunday afternoon, my older brother Mark, shared with our family a poem he had written.  Now, I am the youngest of 7 children - 5 of whom are boys, and when you have that many siblings, you have to often fight to be heard or noticed.  Or so it seemed to me.  I don’t remember what Mark’s poem was about, but I do remember how much my parents and siblings LOVED his poem and were so impressed with his ability to write.  I remember all the praise and attention he got for it.

So feeling the need for some praise and attention of my own, I headed by to my room and proceeded to write my own poem.  I struggled through my writing and rhyming and after lots of editing, I emerged with a poem.  It was called “The Future”.  My first real poem ever.  I excitedly came out of my room and hurried to my family to share my accomplishment and read my poem to them.   

I smiled and beamed as I read it... and waited for their response, hoping they might think it had merit as I thought it did.  They did think it was good.  The problem was... none of them believed that I actually wrote it!  I tried to convince them that it was my own work but they just smiled that smile that says “That’s nice Margene...  we know you just really want attention.”  

Looking back, this event was a beginning of my belief that those I love don’t truly value me or my talents and that although they care about me somewhat, I am insignificant to them in reality.  

INSIGNIFICANT

It’s 33 years later and it’s amazing how those feelings still haunt me.  It is a very painful thing to believe that!  Beliefs like that have ruled my life, brought me so much sorrow, been the source of an unimaginable amount of tears, kept me feeling alone and unwanted, and fed into my self-loathing.  No doubt a catalyst for my overeating and becoming obese as well.

So yes, my life has changed.  And yes, I am recognizing the big “lies” I’ve believed for so long and I do feel happier in my life than I have in years!   It has taken time, but slowly I’ve been letting go of these beliefs and choosing to believe a positive view.  Those chains have been loosening and are falling away.  It is totally refreshing and like feeling free!

But sometimes that feeling creeps back in... usually at a very inopportune time.  Something is spoken or something happens or something makes me question... and that fear of being insignificant - of being expendable, patronized, or only tolerated by those I love - floods my mind and heart faster than a flash flood!  And it brings an immediate pain to me physically in my heart.  I cannot describe the power it has over me and the power exhorted on my soul to embrace the thought and believe it.  It is so hard NOT to believe it.  Even though I know this is from the Adversary - and he knows my “achilles heel”, it still takes every last drop of effort and prayer for me to overcome.  It’s so easy to surrender and just give in to sorrow and spend a few hours weeping in my bed - which sometimes would turn into days or weeks.  Just like the old days.  But I don’t want to go back to those old days!

I am sick of fearing that I am insignificant!  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”  2nd Timothy 1:7

I love the words to the song “Where love is, there God is also.  Where love is, I want to be...”  Those words mean so much!  I don’t want to be in the place where I don’t feel His love!  So I will always have to fight it, when those feelings creep in.  I don’t want to allow satan to steal my joy anymore!

I hope someone reading this can relate to these experiences and benefit from what I’ve learned (and still learning).  I wouldn’t wish this kind of heartache on anyone.  “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”  John 14:27

Happy Independence Day!!!

Happy 4th of July my friends!!  How wonderful to live in this GREAT country.  I'm feeling blessed today.

We got up early, my 3 kids and I - (Brent and my oldest are in Utah).  And we went to the city center to do the CAT walk/run 5k!!  My daughter was running it with me while my other daughter and son were saving spots along the parade route with friends.

I drove with my friend and her daughters and hooked up with Joy and her daughter there too!  We had a fun little group!

Joy and Margene

The weather was perfect and it was a beautiful sunny morning.  After our little aerobic warm up, the race started.  Immediately I was separated from everyone in my group - because of the crowd and since we all were at different paces.  But I started my pace and just kept it. I didn't think to bring my ipod and without having a partner right beside me, I knew I was in for some mind-games!  About one third the way in, I thought of my parents... and in my mind I dedicated this run to them.  I was also running for my sister who is a cancer survivor.  It became an endearing and emotional run right away.  

Then I thought of Brent and imagined him running next to me.  I sang the words to "Whole Wide World" that I have posted in a previous post... I stared at the road ahead of me and tried my best not to think about how much longer I had.  The last stretch, I lengthened my stride and was really feeling it.  There were parade spectators who seemed to cheer the people in front of me and the people coming after me.  I felt very solo and wished I knew someone along the route I could wave to and who could give me a cheer.  But I imagined it in my head.  I pushed it, hoping to match or beat my record from the Starlight run of 42 minutes.  

When I came up to the finish - it said 34 minutes 14 seconds!!!  

WOWEE!!!  

I crossed alone with no one waiting for me or with me or any cheering... but I felt like I just won the lottery!  It felt awesome!

Soon Joy's daughter, and then Joy came running across.  She ran the whole way too!  What a rockstar!!  And then my daughter and her friends!  So Awesome!  Here I am with my daughter after our run.

Last year this was my FIRST 5K and I just walked it.  I remember it being quite hard to just walk it and I did it in about an hour.  Now I'm here a year later and I ran it in 34 minutes!  I feel so thankful that I could do this!!  Below is a pic with my friend and I from last year and then this year!  

2010 CatWalk

2011 CatWalk

What a difference a year makes.  How many years of my life went by and I did NOTHING to improve myself.  How many years did I feel tied up in doubt and self loathing.  I hope to celebrate every single day of my life and every single blessing I have!  I don't want to waste a single day anymore!

I hope you have a FABULOUS day, my friends and do something to celebrate YOUR life and the lives of those you love!  You are worth it!  Life is good!!

Only 18 days left!

I felt like deleting my last post right after I wrote it... but you know... I’m keeping it real.  I have done better since then!  (thanks for all your encouraging comments!) It’s a learning experience.  I told my kids the other day that our whole family is going to need to be on board with continuing healthy eating!  That we can’t have our old type of foods in the house anymore... like at all.  If we eat like that every once in a blue moon... then it needs to be OUTSIDE the home and NOT brought back into the home.

So... STRESS!  How do you handle it?

How do you handle anxiety?  Disappointment?  Rejection?  Pressure?  Criticism?  Self-criticism?  Worry? Loneliness?  

Can you laugh things off and let them go or do you take things in and absorb it completely?

How do you learn to marinate in the Good, the Positive, and the Hopeful and ignore the other stuff?  

How do you embrace all the positive in life and let go of all the stress and negative?

These are the things I am learning and practicing.  It’s a new way of life for me!  It is taking lots of pratice and letting go of the old ways I used to think and react to things.  

Yes, it used to be that like 10 brownies with milk would be comforting... soothing... heavenly even.  For a short-term fix.  But long term... not so much.

I absolutely LOVE to ride my bike.  It’s like a new love.  I practically dream about pulling it out of the garage and taking off all the time.  I LOVE playing basketball.  I LOVE running WITH a friend.  I used to not love these things but they are new loves now.  I love to sit in my chair and look down and see that there are a few inches on each side of my hips before the sides of the chair.  I love feeling pretty again.  You have no idea how long I have felt SO unattractive... ugly even.  I LOVE feeling like my husband can be proud of me.  I LOVE feeling closer to my girls because of how I feel about myself.  I know I keep saying these things over and over but I keep feeling it over and over.  My life has so changed.  I feel so humbled to have been given another chance.  Another chance to live better, be a better example, be a better wife and mother, a better sister, a better friend, and better to myself.

We are moving in 18 days!!

(Acckkkkk)

(On my B-day even!)

Guess what?  

We FINALLY have a place to move to!  The house that we have an offer on (short sale) that we’re waiting on the bank for - we actually get to move into and rent it from the owners until it closes.  This is a HUGE blessing and an answer to our prayers.  Brent will move into it next week, actually.  He’s been living in my brother’s shed.  So he’ll have time to do some clean up and fix up of our house before we move.  I haven’t packed a single box!!  YET.  But I will.  I did have a yard sale and got rid of some of our stuff.

Life is going to get busy really fast... and it’s all exciting.  It’s also VERY bittersweet to be moving from our friends and family here.  This is going to be a very emotional move for me!  I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it.  I miss Brent so much, though.  I am SO hug deprived... I never realized how much I need and love his hugs every day.  Talking on the phone just doesn’t do that the same!

In trying to enjoy every moment here in Oregon, my daughter and I rode to the farmers market the other day, which we have never gone to.  After exploring all the booths and buying NO junk food, we rode through the town and treated ourselves to panda express.  Notice, I chose the steamed veggies and lower carb sides!  Then we rode home.  Total sweetness.

Life is good!

I am so baddddd!!!

I am SO naughty!!  
I am SO evil!!

I just made a batch of sugar cookies and ate a ton of them just now!  With milk too!  We are getting ready to celebrate my daughters birthday and I was telling myself that I was making them for the party.  I am SO BAD!!!  I already ate cake at the reception dance I did the other day.  One and a half pieces of cake.  Rich cake.  Wedding cake.

I am going jogging tomorrow....

So EVIL!!!

I will try NOT to eat the pie and ice cream they have later for the party.
EVIL!!  
BAD!!

Okay, gotta go now.... party is at the park and I am driving...

Butterflies...

I’m home back in Oregon now and life is fun and crazy.  It’s like the inside of the cyclone sort of.  Tonight I have a DJ event I am doing by myself.  Loading, driving, unloading, setting up, MCing, running music, taking down, etc .... all without Brent.  For some reason, I am extremely nervous as I want this event to go well and not have any probs w/ the equipment or vehicle or finding the place.  Knowing that it’s just me is a lot of pressure.  But I’ve done this for years - albeit, usually with somone.

There is also no food in the house - except for a couple bunches of VERY ripe banana’s that were left while I was gone.  So.... I made banana bread.  Yum.  Oh banana... how I have missed thee!  Your yummy sweetness, your enjoyable smell... oh banana how I love thee warm and moist... Banana bread makes everything right, doesn’t it?  Except I shouldn’t eat too much of it.

The scale shows me at 138 today.  I was so pleased to be under 140 after my trip to Utah.  Traveling can throw you off and it’s hard to get all my water in.  I meant to go running this morning but didn’t get to it... if I don’t have someone to go with I easily just end up not going.  But I did ride my bike to the bank so there’s a few miles.  It is beautiful outside and I am so thankful to be with my girls again and I know there are bright things in the future.  So I am plowing through today and hope I survive!

I also am signed up for another 5k in a couple weeks.  I walked this exact 5k last year after I’d lost some of my weight.  How awesome to come back this year and run it!  I am so thankful that I’ve gotten to this point in my life where I can finally do this.  It is so liberating to feel capable and I know where my strength comes from and will never forget that!

I’ve been trying not to have soda but today I'm going to drink some diet Dr. Pepper and hope these butterflies take a break.

Take care, my friends!  XoxoxOX ~Margene

I'm still here....

In Utah with my man and boys.  Okay, yesterday I did indulge more that I should.  Brent and I actually went out on a date and went to my new favorite place to eat:  Zupas!!  Okay, we need one of these in Oregon.  They have incredible salads and sandwiches.

Here is a pic of their salad menu.  I had the Red Raspberry Spinach and it was SO good.

Today I want to go and try the MangoBerry salad.  Then we perused University Mall.  Okay, this is the mall we cruised through as teens but it has really changed in 26 years.  Doesn't seem quite as "cool"... BUT...

I did finally have my frozen yogurt!!  Let's see, it's been about 2 years and it was pretty yummy.  After that we went and saw "Super 8" and we had buttered popcorn.  THIS is where I should have not given in.  I wasn't hungry, I just wanted to munch.  So I did eat way too many calories.  But, lesson learned.  I told Brent I don't want to have movie popcorn again for a LONG time.  I don't need it.  I went through my whole weight loss  months without it and was fine!  But it was fun for one night.

And this morning.... we went running.  And guess what?  I ran 3 miles without stopping!  ... in 36 minutes!!!  I totally wasted my man!!!  It felt so great.  Here I am in Brent's "shed" after the run.

Something about jogging just brings my emotions out.  As I was finishing the last 1/2 mile, I thought about the book I've read called "Running with Angels" about an obese woman who lost her weight walking and running.  I thought about my angel parents and imagined them running with me.  Finally... I feel that they would be pleased with me!  You know, I bear their names.  Marjorie and Eugene - they put their own names together to come up with Margene.  I used to not like my name.  Finally, I can represent their names and honor their legacy of love, service and devotion to the Lord.  I finally don't see myself as their obese loser daughter!  I can't even express how amazing and liberating that feels for me.  Brings tears to my eyes.

Today, we're off to see some of our homes.  One of these homes will most likely be our own home in just about a month.  And we're so excited to finally get pets.  Here is my little guy with "Ellie"... my brothers dog.

This kid needs his own dog, I tell ya.  It is SO fun to see him playing with Ellie.

I hope you, my friends, have a wonderful day and make good choices and enjoy your life because it is good!!
 XOxoxo ~Margene

What do you do...

When your girls head off to girls camp and your son and man are in Utah and it's just you and your little guy?

You fly to Utah and surprise your man!!  (and your other son)

Thanks to my wonderful niece for her non-rev tickets, I am sitting in Utah right now.  We flew in and surprised him at his work.  It was SO worth it.

Tonight, we went for a bike ride.  I used my son's bike which has a way smaller seat (how fun!... sort of)... but we went by the old street I lived on and the house I grew up in that my dad built!  I saw some old neighbors and I stopped by and visited.  The old Margene would NEVER want to see people who knew me... they'd just gawk at how fat I had gotten, or so I thought.  But tonight, it was so FABULOUS to talk to old friends, especially ones who knew and loved my folks.  I love it!!  I will talk to anyone now.  It's funny because no one recognizes me!!

THIS is my mountain!  Yup.  If you go to Utah Valley (just south of Salt Lake City) and see this here Mount Timpanogos, I want you to point and say "Hey, that thar is Margene's Mountain!"  This is the mountain I grew up looking at and loving.  I even climbed it during girls camp one year.  And it has the coolest story about an Indian maiden who died after her lover was killed, and you can see her outline profile on the top of mountain.  Her feet are on the left and her head is 3/4 the way on the right.

While in Utah, I plan to have some low fat frozen yogurt.  I haven't had it in like 2 years.  So far, I've kept my eating in check and have not given in to any over indulgences.

AND - earlier this week I ran another 5k.  It is so weird to think I can do that now.  And I've been bike riding almost every day.  I absolutely LOVE being active!!!  I'm getting to where I can't stand just sitting and watching TV.  Life is good!!! xoxoxo ~Margene

It’s a bad thing when....

You do not have the ingredients for a fresh salad or a nice lean and green on hand...

BUT

You do have all the ingredients for sugar cookies at your fingertips!

Before I go on, let me just say that I kept really active this week.  I went running one day probably at least 2-3 miles, biking at least 3 days, basket ball two days, and general running around a lot (that counts right?).  Here are a couple pics from one of my bike rides... so gorgeous!

So what I’ve noticed with my weight and my eating is that... I fluctuate.  I’ve stayed within 10 pounds my goal weight or even under which is good.  Still finding that balance and NEEDING to set myself limits.  

And not to sound like I’m full of excuses, BUT my husband and oldest son are in Utah now and I do have a LOT of stress, loneliness, pressure, responsibility, worry, and frustration placed on me right now.  We are moving mid July and the two oldest men in the family won’t be here to help pack or anything...until the day we move literally.  And we don’t even have a house or place whatsoever to move into yet!  And I know Brent has more stress on him right now - he is struggling more than I am, poor guy.  Yes, there’s my sob story.  We all have one, don’t we!

AND STILL...  I know we are not forgotten.  I am enjoying a life of freedom like I haven’t in over 25 years.  I am mesmerized by the Oregon beauty, and cherishing every moment with my friends here.  My kids aren’t being TOO difficult and I have been enjoying my time with them.  I am gaining a huge appreciation for single parents!  I do have hope and faith that one of our offers will come through soon.  I do have hope and faith that somehow our finances will stretch and we will somehow make this move and we will be together again as a family and have a fresh start in a new place.

SO UNTIL then, I made cookies and downed them today.  Naughty me!!  But, I’ve also made a lot of good choices this week.  Key thing is, I need better ingredients in my house so I have better food choices.  Weekends are hard for me without Brent here.  Everyone else is with their families and husbands.  But I know I can do hard things!  You can do hard things!  God did not create wimps, ya know?  My life is forever changed for the better because I have dropped my weight and I am dropping the negative that I’ve fed for too long.  I really am so blessed!

So... I’m going to Keep Moving Forward.  Who’s with me?

Life is GOOD!!  xoxoXO ~Margene

"Keep Portland Weird!"

That was a line I heard yesterday as I ran my FIRST 5k race EVER in the Portland’s Starlight Run.  And I think we kept Portland weird.  There were tons of people in costumes including eyeball man and the muppets “Animal”, along with the runaway brides and the chasing grooms.  

But during the race, I didn’t have time to truly enjoy all the scenery because I really was kicking my tushie!  I felt like slowing to a walk before I was even half way through.  There was a good upward slant the last half of the race, and being kind of warm and at night made it a different running scenario.  It was playing on my mind games just a tad as I was anticipating it to be “easier”...  ummm... No.

BUT... I RAN the WHOLE 5K!  

Woo Hoo!  Did it in about 42 minutes.  

Felt AWESOME!

Another super cool thing was my family being there, especially my man, Brent.  All wearing our “Believing it’s possible is half the battle” T-shirts.  I love that pic above left of Brent and my daughter waiting to see me come running!  And on the right you can see me in the cap, my son and my friend waving during the run.

And my friends who came to run it with me - Including JOY!  Could it get any better than that?  Even my son, who had just gradated high school a few hours earlier decided last minute to run with me too.  And he stayed right with me too, what a guy!  Here is a pic of our group on the left and Joy and I on the right.

It’s been an amazing weekend!  Brent came home - literally by a miracle - late Thursday night (almost didn't get his ticket in time).  Friday, my newest “boy scout” son headed off to his first campout, while the rest of us went out to dinner to celebrate our son’s graduation the next day.  Saturday, we attended said graduation.  I could do a whole long post on this graduation and what it means to us and to me... but I will save that story.  Needless to say, I felt a lot of new “mom” emotions I wasn’t expecting to feel.  It’s all good.  Right after that, it was home to change and then run to pick up my little Boogie Man and off to the Starlight Run.

Brent tells me that every time he comes home (from Utah), we got so much stuff going he’s kept so busy... and it’s not house chores either.  During this time home, we went to an open house, for a bike ride, a walk together, celebration dinner, movie, High School Graduation, 5k event, parade, and church - all in 2 and a half days.  Awesome stuff!  Sure beats laying around the house groaning and being depressed and eating crappy stuff.  Those were our old days, ya know!   The weather was PERFECT while he was here... sunny and gorgeous.  Today, after I dropped him off at the airport, while driving home I saw raindrops on the windshield.  It’s like the Lord gave me the sun along with the hubs for those 3 days.  That was the best gift!  Life is good!  My life is good... I can see that now each and every day!  XoxoXO ~Margene

TWO DAYS!!!

Until my first official 5K race!
I played some bball last night and hurt my ankle.  At least when I went to bed, it started to throb quite painfully.  So I am trying to take it easy (no bball tonight) so's I can run on Saturday because I am so STOKED.

I went jogging with a friend the other day and we ran a 5k at about 44 minutes.  (stopping to walk only briefly).  So I know I can do it.  It's amazing to come from just 1 minute of running to 23 minutes in one shot.  I still feel extremely nervous for some reason.

I got me some T-shirts too... I am liken these!!  It's all about what you BELIEVE, this is true.  Believe the best or believe the worst and you give power to that thought.  So why let all those negative thoughts waste our energy anymore?

Brent comes home in just a few hours.  He almost didn't make the flight due to his ticket arriving in the mail just hours before he's to leave.  Thanks again to prayer!  I am SOOOO wickedly excited to see him for this weekend.  He's on a plane right now!

My latest favorite food is this Ramen Salad.  Oh my.... SOOO good!  With cabbage, broken up ramen noodles, craisens, and a dressing made from olive oil, rice vinegar, and the ramen seasoning packet.  This is the basic recipe I like to use.  I also like to put some cut up rotisserie chicken in it too.  I really have to portion eat this salad because it is so addictivly good!  It's all about Moderation and Portion Control for me right now and ever!

It's gonna be an amazing weekend!  

I'd like to thank you for all the love and encouragement you give me on this blog:
Michele, Kimberlynn, Joy, Julie, Loretta, Josie, Lucy, Sarah, Lisa, Gracie, Deb, Natalia, Kristin, MaryFran, Lynn, LauraAnn, Angela, Jennifer, Suzi, Christine, Karla, Sam, Lori, Debbie, Melissa, Casey, Tori, Sharon... and everyone who reads and cheers me on (if your name isn't listed, consider yourself included)!!  I wish I could share my love, gratitude, and encouragement with each of you.

And Tammy and Carda... my dearest "real world" friends - I love you!!  Thanks for supporting me with so much positive and believing in me and taking time for me... it means more than you know!

Dianne, Carolyn, Emily, LaTrease, Julie, and Joanne - I feel so blessed to call you friends.

And my most awesome sister, Kay... how I love you sis!!  You are the best.

And my man, Brent, you've see me like no one else does and you've been there for me since I was 15.  You always looked beyond and saw the good in me even when I haven't seen it myself!!  There is no one truer than you!  Can't wait to really be together again in our own home!

Wow... I don't know where all this sappiness came from but I am feeling so thankful and humbled tonight.  Okay, gotta wipe these tears - but it's all good!  Life is good.  Wherever you are in your journey, thank the Lord for your life and make it the best you can because you are worth it, my friends!  XoxooxxOX ~Margene

Defying Gravity

I can run 10+ minutes without stopping!  I have proven to myself and can do this!  I was talking to my friend who has run a marathon and a triathlon and telling her I was up to 9 minutes, and she said that if I can run 9 minutes then I could run the whole 5k being that my system has built up it’s endurance.  Just her telling me that gave me courage and I went out and did an hour run in sets of 10 minutes and the last run being 14 minutes.  It ended up being 4.4 miles.  That is amazing that my body can do that... that my mind can tell my body I can do that!!  Just  3 weeks ago I could barely run 1 minute!

I feel like Elphaba in “Wicked” when she sings “Defying Gravity”!  I so relate to this:

Something has changed within me - Something is not the same 

I'm through with playing by the rules, Of someone else's game 

Too late for second-guessing, Too late to go back to sleep 

It's time to trust my instincts - Close my eyes: and leap! 

It's time to try Defying gravity 

I think I'll try Defying gravity 

And you can't pull me down! ...

I'm through accepting limits ‘'cause someone says they're so 

Some things I cannot change But till I try, I'll never know! 

Too long I've been afraid of Losing love I guess I've lost 

Well, if that's love It comes at much too high a cost! 

I'd sooner buy Defying gravity 

Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity 

And you can't pull me down

Everything I do that is new feels like I’ve conquered my old self!  It feels like I’ve taken my limits off.  It feels like I am defying gravity and refuse to be pulled down by old limits.

Here is a new case in point:  

I totally screwed up my eating this weekend by BINGING on sugar.  I made brownies Saturday night and a double batch of sugar cookies Sunday and helped myself to Way Too Many (I don’t want to even list the number).  I even had my daughter hide the cookies from me sunday night or I would have finished them all!  I felt guilty and bloated and disgusted with myself.  

While I ate these sugar bombs... I enjoyed them and felt like I “deserved” them and that all my good efforts would counteract this indiscretion.  I was lonely and feeling sorry for myself.  I wanted and deserved to be comforted.  I rationalized my eating.  It doesn’t end there... this morning, I convinced my daughter to let me have just a few more.  At first she would NOT let me (good girl), but then my other daughter defended me and and told her to give them to me and then they did.  And I ate another like 10 cookies.  Drat!!  Then I felt guilty again.  Thankfully, my son finished those blasted cookies off, now the temptation is GONE.

So as I was driving my kids to swimming today, I was feeling defeated somewhat and wondering how often this is going to happen... when I just thought: 

This doesn’t define me!  This doesn’t have to “happen” anymore!  I choose for myself!  I will say how my story will go.  I don’t care what the statistics are... I am the captain of my boat!  

And I realized that in these “temptation” situations, I did NOT turn to prayer for help.  

So I am NOT defeated.  I am wiser!  I will NOT have boxes of brownies in my house from now on... or cookies.  I will keep temptation far from me and remember to ask for the Lord’s help Daily or hourly if needed.  I refuse to beat myself up and give in to self-loathing thoughts again (no more calling myself horrible names!)  I’m through accepting limits!  I WILL defy gravity.  Who’s with me?

BTW - Saturday night (after the brownies), I went to the gym and ran/walked a 5K in 46 minutes!!  WOO HOO!  So I have this last week to build up to hopefully running the whole 5K on Saturday.  Brent comes home this week, and my oldest graduates... so much fun stuff going on.  AND we’re hoping to hear that one of the houses we have offers on will be accepted this week.  Hoping and praying and DEFYING GRAVITY!!  

How will YOU defy Gravity? 

The Only Sports Team...

That I have been on was 9th grade basket ball in high school when I was 14 years old!  There I am number 31 on the left.

I LOVED basketball, thanks to my 5 big brothers (as well as baseball, camping, playing outside, bike riding... and most things “tom boy” style).  But I was so extremely lacking confidence.  I spent the whole season debating if I should quit.  I felt like the mis-fit of the team and it was shortly after this time that I started gaining my weight and nurturing my self-loathing thoughts and habits... 

BUT

It has always been my favorite sport. 

SO

Finally... 28 years later, I played me some BBALL!  With my knees wrapped up and a few quick prayers (social anxiety) I made myself go to our church’s women’s basketball night.  I was one of 5 women that showed up and we played some FULL COURT scrimmaging 3 against 2.  WOW, does that get the heart pumping and it was dang fun!  Yes, I sucked... I missed most baskets except for one here or there... but I was guarding like a hawk.  Defense was always my fort-ay, because I am a shorty at 5’3” (you’d think I’d pick a better sport to love).  I'm the one on the right.

The tall lady in the middle is a friend I've known for years and she bragged me up about losing all my weight.  That was nice.  Feels SO good to be able to play and run.  I felt so alive!  All these ladies have 3-4 kids each and they are GOOD players.  I feel inspired to keep playing and get good again.

As far as food.  I’ve been back to my plan this week.  Today, I splurged off a little but from Monday - Wednesday I was pretty self-disciplined.  My weight tipped up over 140 at the beginning of the week but was down again today to 137.  I will be monitoring myself and learning what I can and can’t eat to maintain my weight in the 130’s.  

It must be a huge fear for every morbidly obese person who looses their weight... that fear that you’ll gain it back.  It is a strong fear for me.  It’s like when I eat something sugary and high calorie Or I just eat too huge a portion - I can feel my stomach bloated and yucky.  I instantly feel like I’ve gained it all back again right then.  It is truly terrifying.  Even though I know I haven’t, the yucky feeling inside makes me FEEL like I have.  Mind games... gotta learn to control the thoughts.  And forgive mistakes so I can move on and not keep making the same ones.  It’s all in the journey!

This week I made some tuna steaks using this recipe.  Yum! (Yes, I’m in maintenance so I treat myself to pineapple now).  Also, I like these teriyaki chicken from Costco (pre-cooked).  Great to put on my salad - fast and simple and tasty.

Take care my friends!! Life is good!

XoXOxo ~Margene

Bad Bad Bad and Good Good Good

Have you ever seen Thumb Wars?  There’s a scene with Thumb Lea where she meets Thumb Vader and she says something like “You are Bad.  Bad is Bad.  I am Good.  Good is Good.  Bad bad Bad.  Good Good Good.”  It's hysterical and I laugh every time I see it.  Maybe it's those dorky thumb faces, but it's funny.  Anyway, I think this weekend, I have played both Thumb Lea and Thumb Vader!!

THE BAD:

I think it’s because Brent is home, but I have thrown caution to the wind a bit (okay, a lot) with my eating.  I have let myself splurge... dang it.  I have been so bad bad bad!  Fruit Pizza, beef jerky, 1/2 PB & J sandwich, carmel popcorn, movie butter popcorn, diet soda, chips (just a couple, tho)... at least it wasn’t all in one sitting.  And I actually did say “no” to licorice.  Yay for that.  I don't like the way most of this food makes me feel.  Yucky.  It’s BACK ON PLAN tomorrow for sure!!!

THE GOOD:

But the GOOD has been fabulous.  Thursday was our 26 mile bike ride, Friday we hung out and went to yard sales.  I got some new boots with heels... again, I haven’t worn heels like... EVER!  And I got a new hot pink purse and hat.  Those who know me, know that I name my purses.  And lately, my daughter and I are getting back into listening to the “Wicked” soundtrack so I had to name my purse “Galinda”, of course!  

Friday night, some awesome friends of ours hosted an open house for us to be able to say goodbye to our friends before we move next month.  It was truly thoughtful of them and SO wonderful to see everyone.  So many friends showed up (over 70)... how amazing is that!  Very humbling actually!  Actually it IS amazing because I have convinced myself many MANY times that I have NO friends - which has been the source of my greatest heartaches.  That will be a whole different chapter to cover in the book of my life, I tell ya.  I am mighty good at convincing myself of anything negative but that has been an IS  changing!  We are really going to miss all the friends we’ve made here in Oregon... I can’t even think about it right now, because it brings an immediate lump to my throat.  We are so blessed!

Then Today (Saturday), we went and climbed Multnomah Falls.  We can’t move from Oregon without having climbed this!  

At the Very TOP of the Falls!

Squirrels... practically ran over my shoes... SOO cute!

WOW!  You know what?  It totally didn’t kill me at all!!  It’s about 1 mile up at a steep incline.  It was amazing and perfect weather with an overcast sky but not too cold.  On the way down, it was a little hard on Brent, but he did awesome.  

I can’t imagine how hard it would be with 145 more pounds on me!  I treasure EVERY new experience.  I kind of feel like a kid experiencing life all over again.

We didn’t bring any flowers!  Drat!  What were we thinking?

Then, later on, we treated ourselves to the new Pirates movie in 3D.  

My new pink hat and purse, Galina.  This is what cool looks like!  Talk to the hand.

(Brent told me to pose like this - he likes it when I have an "attitude"!)

SO.... training for my run is resuming on Monday.  I’ve got some friends joining me on this 5K run in just 2 weeks.  How cool is that!  I’m so excited to have Joy running this with me too... and she WILL be kicking my butt because that woman rocks hard!  It is key for me to BELIEVE that I can accomplish anything - including this run.  It’s a daily effort for me to believe that the best will happen; and to believe and think positive thoughts about myself and others, and then to act on it.  But the more I practice... the easier it gets to believe.  And there is power in believing!!  

God Bless.... XOXO ~Margene