I have a prominent memory of a time when I was 9 years old when on a Sunday afternoon, my older brother Mark, shared with our family a poem he had written. Now, I am the youngest of 7 children - 5 of whom are boys, and when you have that many siblings, you have to often fight to be heard or noticed. Or so it seemed to me. I don’t remember what Mark’s poem was about, but I do remember how much my parents and siblings LOVED his poem and were so impressed with his ability to write. I remember all the praise and attention he got for it.
So feeling the need for some praise and attention of my own, I headed by to my room and proceeded to write my own poem. I struggled through my writing and rhyming and after lots of editing, I emerged with a poem. It was called “The Future”. My first real poem ever. I excitedly came out of my room and hurried to my family to share my accomplishment and read my poem to them.
I smiled and beamed as I read it... and waited for their response, hoping they might think it had merit as I thought it did. They did think it was good. The problem was... none of them believed that I actually wrote it! I tried to convince them that it was my own work but they just smiled that smile that says “That’s nice Margene... we know you just really want attention.”
Looking back, this event was a beginning of my belief that those I love don’t truly value me or my talents and that although they care about me somewhat, I am insignificant to them in reality.
It’s 33 years later and it’s amazing how those feelings still haunt me. It is a very painful thing to believe that! Beliefs like that have ruled my life, brought me so much sorrow, been the source of an unimaginable amount of tears, kept me feeling alone and unwanted, and fed into my self-loathing. No doubt a catalyst for my overeating and becoming obese as well.
So yes, my life has changed. And yes, I am recognizing the big “lies” I’ve believed for so long and I do feel happier in my life than I have in years! It has taken time, but slowly I’ve been letting go of these beliefs and choosing to believe a positive view. Those chains have been loosening and are falling away. It is totally refreshing and like feeling free!
But sometimes that feeling creeps back in... usually at a very inopportune time. Something is spoken or something happens or something makes me question... and that fear of being insignificant - of being expendable, patronized, or only tolerated by those I love - floods my mind and heart faster than a flash flood! And it brings an immediate pain to me physically in my heart. I cannot describe the power it has over me and the power exhorted on my soul to embrace the thought and believe it. It is so hard NOT to believe it. Even though I know this is from the Adversary - and he knows my “achilles heel”, it still takes every last drop of effort and prayer for me to overcome. It’s so easy to surrender and just give in to sorrow and spend a few hours weeping in my bed - which sometimes would turn into days or weeks. Just like the old days. But I don’t want to go back to those old days!
I am sick of fearing that I am insignificant! “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2nd Timothy 1:7
I love the words to the song “Where love is, there God is also. Where love is, I want to be...” Those words mean so much! I don’t want to be in the place where I don’t feel His love! So I will always have to fight it, when those feelings creep in. I don’t want to allow satan to steal my joy anymore!
I hope someone reading this can relate to these experiences and benefit from what I’ve learned (and still learning). I wouldn’t wish this kind of heartache on anyone. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27