Our Quest to change our lives began in Feb. 2010 and we lost 224 lbs. This is the story of our continuing Journey through the ups and downs of maintenance.
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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Fear of Insignificance

I have a prominent memory of a time when I was 9 years old when on a Sunday afternoon, my older brother Mark, shared with our family a poem he had written.  Now, I am the youngest of 7 children - 5 of whom are boys, and when you have that many siblings, you have to often fight to be heard or noticed.  Or so it seemed to me.  I don’t remember what Mark’s poem was about, but I do remember how much my parents and siblings LOVED his poem and were so impressed with his ability to write.  I remember all the praise and attention he got for it.
So feeling the need for some praise and attention of my own, I headed by to my room and proceeded to write my own poem.  I struggled through my writing and rhyming and after lots of editing, I emerged with a poem.  It was called “The Future”.  My first real poem ever.  I excitedly came out of my room and hurried to my family to share my accomplishment and read my poem to them.   
I smiled and beamed as I read it... and waited for their response, hoping they might think it had merit as I thought it did.  They did think it was good.  The problem was... none of them believed that I actually wrote it!  I tried to convince them that it was my own work but they just smiled that smile that says “That’s nice Margene...  we know you just really want attention.”  
Looking back, this event was a beginning of my belief that those I love don’t truly value me or my talents and that although they care about me somewhat, I am insignificant to them in reality.  
It’s 33 years later and it’s amazing how those feelings still haunt me.  It is a very painful thing to believe that!  Beliefs like that have ruled my life, brought me so much sorrow, been the source of an unimaginable amount of tears, kept me feeling alone and unwanted, and fed into my self-loathing.  No doubt a catalyst for my overeating and becoming obese as well.
So yes, my life has changed.  And yes, I am recognizing the big “lies” I’ve believed for so long and I do feel happier in my life than I have in years!   It has taken time, but slowly I’ve been letting go of these beliefs and choosing to believe a positive view.  Those chains have been loosening and are falling away.  It is totally refreshing and like feeling free!
But sometimes that feeling creeps back in... usually at a very inopportune time.  Something is spoken or something happens or something makes me question... and that fear of being insignificant - of being expendable, patronized, or only tolerated by those I love - floods my mind and heart faster than a flash flood!  And it brings an immediate pain to me physically in my heart.  I cannot describe the power it has over me and the power exhorted on my soul to embrace the thought and believe it.  It is so hard NOT to believe it.  Even though I know this is from the Adversary - and he knows my “achilles heel”, it still takes every last drop of effort and prayer for me to overcome.  It’s so easy to surrender and just give in to sorrow and spend a few hours weeping in my bed - which sometimes would turn into days or weeks.  Just like the old days.  But I don’t want to go back to those old days!
I am sick of fearing that I am insignificant!  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”  2nd Timothy 1:7
I love the words to the song “Where love is, there God is also.  Where love is, I want to be...”  Those words mean so much!  I don’t want to be in the place where I don’t feel His love!  So I will always have to fight it, when those feelings creep in.  I don’t want to allow satan to steal my joy anymore!
I hope someone reading this can relate to these experiences and benefit from what I’ve learned (and still learning).  I wouldn’t wish this kind of heartache on anyone.  “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”  John 14:27


Jennifer said...

What a heartfelt and deep post. I am so glad you chose to share it. Its all part of the healing process. And you ARE healing. Those experiences, as sour as they are, have shaped you to be a better person. A better mother. A better wife. I think that you are really pulling the postive out of your experience.

I enjoy all that you share, and also all the support that you give ME throughout this journey. You are not insignicant. You are one of the people I really look forward to hearing from when I do a post of my own.

Thank you for that.


Anonymous said...

I can relate. Those childhood messages are so hard to shake. They are unspoken and so seep in before we can refute them--and then it feels like a settled fact.

Your family thought that your poem was so good that no 9 year old could have written it. Wahoo! You must have done an excellent job with it.

The enemy of your soul snatched that little truth away and replaced it with a lie.

Healing is happening as that lie is exposed for what it is. Isn't it wonderful that God knows the truth adn isn't fooled--even if we are?


Lori said...

I am so glad that you understand the source of your pain and are working to overcome it. The first and most important step is recognizing the issue. You have. Good for you.

And good for you for realizing that Satan is doing everything possible to keep you in that place of pain. Remember that victory has already been won. All you have to do is rest in that fact. I know that is a lot easier for me to say than to live, but it is still true.

I am so thankful for you and the example you are to me for getting to your goal and staying there. You are in my prayers.

Lucy said...

Every hair on your headed is counted Margene...because you are significant to the one who really matters.

Chin up-God hears you :)

lotstolove said...

It is always a beautiful, strong and empowering thing when someone shares their own insecurites. Thank you for the post Margene and know that to so many people you will never be insignifigant!

Joy said...

Wow my Friend....I wish we could all understand how significant we are in God's eyes. We would not even exist if He did not think so. He has an awesome plan for us all and during our lifetime He allows things to happen to us. We can either dwell there or learn from those things. My Friend, you have chosen to learn from them. You are a great woman of God. He is working in your life and He's doing amazing things. You are reaching people with your journey...you are helping people... you are making a difference in so many ways. He is with you!

Love and hugs to you!!!