I don’t know if it was my openness about letting go of my doubts but I sure feel like I’ve been “attacked” by the adversary.
The last two days have been hard for me. I feel so lonely. I feel so friendless. I feel so alone. I have put myself out there and reached out so much. Yet I have been struggling with still feeling unwanted... just like I did 116 pounds ago. It stinks! Maybe it’s all a deception from the adversary but it sure feels real, ya know? I sometimes wonder when it will be my time to feel better and to have relief. The Lord knows the effort I’ve put forth...
I guess I hoped deep inside that losing weight would change some of my turmoil. Maybe my extended family relations would become closer, maybe I’d find those cherished friendships I seek, and maybe my heartaches would go away... finally!
I’ve been missing my mom and dad lately. They’ve been gone 18 years... which is how old my son is turning today. He has come a long way since he was diagnosed as a toddler. We were told he would probably need speech therapy his whole life and would always have a hard time communicating. He has surpassed everything we were told. I know my parents can see all that but how I’d love to share it with them. How I wish my son had them here to hug him and be proud of him. I ache for what he doesn’t have!
I imagine my mom seeing me lose all this weight and how happy for me she would be. She walked that hard path of obesity too. She knew! She had lost her mom too. We could share so much if she were here. I miss my dad’s turkey carving and silly jokes and inspirational stories. My kids would LOVE his humor. My parents were that soft place that I could fall. Where I knew I was loved and not mis-judged. It’s been so long. I forget what that feels like. How I wish I could go home to them for Christmas in Utah, if they were still here. I know we’d be welcome with open arms. What a change that would be for us right now!
But I do have a new life now. I have a new body - practically. I have an improved and even happier marriage. I’m closer with my kids. I have a whole new set of blogger friends. I have a whole bunch on NSV I’m enjoying. I am learning to see all the good in myself and in what the Lord has given me. The mantle is on us now, to provide that unconditional love for our kids and to help them learn to rely on the Lord. I want them to know where to turn when they struggle. I think of the saying “There is no heartache that heaven cannot heal” How I pray to be healed of mine.... I’m still trying to LET GO of my doubts!! I’m Letting Go.... I’m Letting Go...
I know life is so good.