Our Quest to change our lives began in Feb. 2010 and we lost 224 lbs. This is the story of our continuing Journey through the ups and downs of maintenance.
(For the fullest effect, begin at the beginning in Feb. 2010 using our Blog Archive on sidebar)

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Eighteen Years ago...

I don’t know if it was my openness about letting go of my doubts but I sure feel like I’ve been “attacked” by the adversary.


The last two days have been hard for me. I feel so lonely. I feel so friendless. I feel so alone. I have put myself out there and reached out so much. Yet I have been struggling with still feeling unwanted... just like I did 116 pounds ago. It stinks! Maybe it’s all a deception from the adversary but it sure feels real, ya know? I sometimes wonder when it will be my time to feel better and to have relief. The Lord knows the effort I’ve put forth...


I guess I hoped deep inside that losing weight would change some of my turmoil. Maybe my extended family relations would become closer, maybe I’d find those cherished friendships I seek, and maybe my heartaches would go away... finally!


I’ve been missing my mom and dad lately. They’ve been gone 18 years... which is how old my son is turning today. He has come a long way since he was diagnosed as a toddler. We were told he would probably need speech therapy his whole life and would always have a hard time communicating. He has surpassed everything we were told. I know my parents can see all that but how I’d love to share it with them. How I wish my son had them here to hug him and be proud of him. I ache for what he doesn’t have!


I imagine my mom seeing me lose all this weight and how happy for me she would be. She walked that hard path of obesity too. She knew! She had lost her mom too. We could share so much if she were here. I miss my dad’s turkey carving and silly jokes and inspirational stories. My kids would LOVE his humor. My parents were that soft place that I could fall. Where I knew I was loved and not mis-judged. It’s been so long. I forget what that feels like. How I wish I could go home to them for Christmas in Utah, if they were still here. I know we’d be welcome with open arms. What a change that would be for us right now!


But I do have a new life now. I have a new body - practically. I have an improved and even happier marriage. I’m closer with my kids. I have a whole new set of blogger friends. I have a whole bunch on NSV I’m enjoying. I am learning to see all the good in myself and in what the Lord has given me. The mantle is on us now, to provide that unconditional love for our kids and to help them learn to rely on the Lord. I want them to know where to turn when they struggle. I think of the saying “There is no heartache that heaven cannot heal” How I pray to be healed of mine.... I’m still trying to LET GO of my doubts!! I’m Letting Go.... I’m Letting Go...

I know life is so good.

10 comments:

A Journey to a new me... said...

To have the words that would comfort you so. You ARE healing; the rest of the world-not so much. Your courage and your strength inspires but some chose to look a different direction (not me-you have inspired me and helped give me the courage to step outside of my comfort zone!). And you're reaching out is not going unnoticed-could be that their insecurities are prohibiting them from getting out of their comfort zone.

I lost my mom 15 1/2 years ago and have had similar longings. Nothing can ever fill that void. She is proud of you; she's proud of her grand child. The next time you see the sun shine, it's her smiling on you.

D said...

Margene,
I am sorry you are feeling down. You are such a sweet and caring person and have helped and encouraged so many of us. It saddens me to think you are being attacked by these negative thoughts and feelings.

God please protect Margene and remove the evil that is threatening her joy.

Karla said...

it makes me sad that mky mom never saw me healthy and thin, but I know she would be happy for me, as would your mom

grief never seems to go away completely, thats why the relationships in our life are so important

I roast my vegetables for an hour at 350 only because it is easy just to throw it in the oven and forget about it, get ready for work and then bam, food for the day is ready!!

I did butternut squash, yellow squash, zuchini, mushrooms, asparagas, red bell pepper, cherry tomatoesand carrots this last time

soo good!! olive oil with garlic and balsamic vinegar = low cal yummers!! super filling as well

Ann (-34 lbs in -60 lb challenge) said...

Your parents gave you all you needed to successfully raise your own family, Margene! They weren't around as long as you'd like (but really, losing them at ANY age is just too soon); still, they must be so proud. They ARE enjoying those grandchildren - and your children know them through your loving eyes. One day, you'll all be reunited - no worries!

It is okay to be sad at times, and to miss your parents. It is a testament of your love for each other (they for you, and you for them). Plus, as you said, we miss that nonjudgemental soft go-to place of love, and the pride and care they'd show over you and your family.

Our Heavenly Father feels that, many times over, and just as your parents have been reunited with their loved ones who have gone before them, so will you one day join the big family celebration. In the meanwhile, continue to raise and be there for those amazing four newbies to the family line. Just as you are the embodiment of your mother's efforts (and her mother's before her), so will your kids be the embodiment of your own efforts, tinged with your mother's before you.

Torches pass, but never go out. The love is shared, passed down, and multiplied along the way!

Cyber hugs!! And Happy 18th to your oldest! I am guessing those 18 years FLEW by, didn't they?

I'm proud of you, and if I lived in Oregon, I'd be celebrating with you all those successes. As it is, I'm doing it through cyberspace.

Lanie Painie said...

Awww . . .Margene. I'm sorry you are feeling so sad and alone. It's good for you to work through it on your blog and allow yourself to experience the feelings without pushing them away with food or some other compulsion as I used to do.

We all have pain in our lives and I believe that it helps us develop compassion for others. You are clearly a loving and sensitive person. I hope your son has a great birthday. Even without his maternal grandparents, he is super lucky to have such devoted parents. <3

Christine said...

Hugs Margene!!!!
This time of year makes us long for the arms of loved ones that are not with us anymore...I feel your loss! Time never lessens that longing does it.

BIG, Big HUGS to you!!!

spunkysuzi said...

"hugs" it is so hard to have lost loved ones. And this time of year seems to be the hardest time! It always makes me reflect on the ones i have lost.

Deb Willbefree said...

Hi, Margene. I just realized yesterday that I hadn't seen your posts on my blog roll for a while. Turns out that your blog somehow fell off of my follower's list. I've added you back!

As i type this, I hear my granddaughter waking up from her nap, so I'll have to go before I can write the comment I want to write. I sounds like I've missed a lot.

I certainly see that I've missed some weight loss reports! Wow!!! you are doing great!

This time of year is always hard-=ahh, gotta go.

I'll be back.

Deb

Janna said...

Hi Margene,

I am sorry you are having a hard time right now...

I hope the 12 Days of Christmas Swap will help...

When you get a chance can you email me so I can send you some information?

Janna

Julie said...

I wish I had read this post when you posted it. I'm sorry I'm behind here and there.
I can't imagine not have my mom and dad here. It's hard not having grandpa who died this year. You're not alone but yet in a sense you are. They are watching over you, I can see your mom hopping up and down just cheering you on. You are the greatest mom, wife and friend and she and your dad are so very proud of you.
18 year old son, for me that was hard, Mike turns 19 in 3 months, I wish at times he could still be that little man but I sure and proud of what he's becoming.
Smile Margene, you are letting go and moving onward and upwards to an even better you. Hard to imagine a better you, I thought you were pretty darn perfect already!!! :o)
Take care my friend and have a blessed weekend.