Week 35

I am down 1 pound from last week and the hubs has stayed the same again.

My daughter begged me to get this top at Walmart so I did. It hugs me and I'm not used to that but I kind of like it!

We have been working our way at getting more settled in to our new house and trying not to have life so crazy. I am anxious to get into a regular schedule and work towards all of our goals!

I have been sticking to my plan-food but sometimes when it’s busy, I do feel sorry for myself that I can’t just give in and eat a ton of pizza with my kids. I mean I could do that, but I would be more upset with myself if I did because I don’t want to change my momentum and it wouldn’t be worth it in the end. That’s part of the emotional eating of my past, but it can creep in when I am stressed or down and just want some quick comfort.

This weekend we worked on cleaning our old house and making repairs as needed. The hubs is feeling a huge amount of stress which is mostly work related. That could be a whole other post in itself... or a whole other blog for that matter. We are working on learning how to let go of stress and work through it so it doesn’t consume us.

It was wonderful to have my sister come up last week (and my niece this week) from Utah. I really miss my family! We snapped some pics of us when they were here... and then I compared them to some pics we had with them just last year.

~ July 2009 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ October 2010 ~

I don’t mean to be obsessed with comparison pics but it really does astound me. I have been big for SO long. Even my husband has seen me obese most of our time together except for maybe 2-3 years after we first met. I feel so different yet I feel exactly the same. It’s weird every time I look in the mirror. I wonder who that woman is.

I have been used to loathing myself for such a long time. It takes time to think and feel differently about myself. I have associated my worth to my weight and appearance too much in my past, but not in an obvious way to myself.

It’s like I would THINK TO MYSELF: “I am a daughter of Heavenly Father and He loves me and I have endless potential. I am lovable and kind and fun to be around”.

Yet my CORE BELIEF REALLY WAS: “I am so fat and homely and have no worth to anyone. It is hard to love me or to be around me unless it’s out of charity. No one would want to hug me. I am only wanted if I do nice things for others - then I might have some worth, although it’s only temporary.”

I wanted to believe the first one, but inside I really felt the second way and it was always depressing. (Doesn’t it just depress you just to read it?) I believed a lie and I lived that lie for over two decades. And every time something negative happened - it reinforced this belief. Because of that belief, I have questioned everyone’s “love” for me - even my family and husbands. It’s SO HARD to break the hold that those thoughts have had over me. My husband knows of my struggles and he’s been such a support to me. He truly has seen me at my worst and my best and still loves me.

Part of shedding this weight is shedding that old past. Sometimes it creeps back in and it’s a battle to fight those lies. But they are lies... from the father of all lies. I refuse to believe anymore. The shackles are COMING OFF!! It does feel like a breaking free and escaping a prison. I’m sure there are many who read this who can relate. I truly appreciate those of you who read this blog and follow our journey. It’s been healing for us to blog about our journey and we appreciate all the support and love we’ve received. It means a lot to us!

Here is a quick lean and green I had right before moving. Cottage Cheese (lean) and sauteed zuchini & peppers (green). Also, my babe took me to Mac. Grill last night and treated me to my favorite: grilled salmon! I savored every bite!!

Happy 10-10-10!! Life is GOOD!!