Our Quest to change our lives began in Feb. 2010 and we lost 224 lbs. This is the story of our continuing Journey through the ups and downs of maintenance.
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Thursday, April 26, 2012

I gave in!

I've been keeping busy and keeping myself occupied. 

But These last two days I hit a wall.  And I gave in. 
I didn't give in to any junk food or off-plan food, actually my appetite is not there much. 
I submitted to my heartache and sorrow from my recent train wreck.  It's been two days full of raw emotion.  God knows all the effort and changes in my life I've made to do and be a better person and how I have been putting the feelings of others ahead of my own.  He knows!!  

So why do I have to be blindsided (again) from someone so dear to me?  It was aimed purposely at my weakest spot.  I honestly cannot think of a single thing I have done that was mean, out of line, offensive, overdone, smothering, or wrong.  How can someone throw a true friend away?  Aren't friendships worth fixing?  I am treated like I am an enemy.   Like there is nothing good about me to warrant any kind of contact with me.

Yet, it's not even an option for me to be bitter against her because I don't want to go that route.  Maybe I miss a friend that was never really my friend.  I will need Divine help to find peace or healing from this.

As this situation has left me feeling so cold, unwanted and unloved - I've been grasping for the love that my Savior has for me.   I've thought of my parents on the other side of the veil, and how surely they are watching me and would comfort me if they could.  And my own loving husband who has always been there for me, I know he loves me.  I do have people who stand by me and haven't just walked away.  

I've been listening to a song called "Love Never Fails" by Mercy River.  This song seems to speak in music, what my heart feels.  I know that Love is what really matters. Love is what will come through in the end.  I want to fill my heart with love, not with sorrow.  I feel SO much love, joy, and happiness for each of family and friends - including my blogger friends.

Today, I made a video to this song "Love Never Fails" because I felt like the song could say what my heart cannot.  That I'm CHOOSING the path of love. I'd like to share that video in this post - I think it's worth watching.  I've dedicated it to my parents, my family, and all my friends!

I want to live with NO REGRETS. 

I want to live my life showing my love to others.  

I always regretting not showing my love to my mother and then she passed away.  And that didn't hurt her as much as it has hurt me.  With-holding our love from others really hurts US in the end.
Forgive those that hurt me.   
Forgive myself.
Move on.

Life is GOOD


Lucy said...

Hugs Margene - soon it WILL all work out. You are a faithful woman of God & a blessing to know :)

Sharon said...

Practicing a little tough love here...always knowing that I'm a long way from the facts of this situation and really easy to sit here thousands of miles away dispensing advice!! But my suggestion here is rather than spending any more time pondering the unknowns (why she did this, what you did, how could this happen, etc.), begin praying for courage to let it go. Remember, there was a time when even the Apostle Paul was directed to dust the dirt off his sandals and move on when folks made him unwelcome and refused to offer hospitality. That has always been a bit of comfort to me in knowing that there does come a time when it's totally o.k. and even scripture supported to turn away and not look back.

Easy to do? Of course not!! It hurts! But as I've read your heart through your words, my fear has become that should she change her mind and contact you, you'd be very quick to forgive! And forgiveness is one thing - restoration is another. If a so-called friend did this once, believe me, she'll do it again. Focus your efforts on friends in your new home and let the old ones go! I'm praying for you. Sharon

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

Sharon - Wow, thanks for your words of wisdom! I talked to another friend last night who also convinced me of some things very similar to as you are saying. This is not normal behavior and borders on some disorders like schizophrenic.

AND, what I haven't stated here is that this friend HAS done this once before 4 years ago! Prayers and work healed our friendship, I thought. I know it's time to dust off my feet and move on. It is just so painful and I truly feel like a weakling that way.

But with God, all things are possible... and I do want to live with NO REGRETS. :)

Thanks for taking the time to respond, Sharon.
Much love!

gracies tough journey said...

Margene, you are such a forgiving person and God will help ease your pain. I was so tempted to just hop in my car and come find you and tell you in person that everything will be ok. Ok, so maybe I am not going to do that. (Scared ya). But things will be ok.

Someday I must tell you about the cloud shape heart in your video. I had a personal experience with this. Yes there are miracles in this world, I have seen them.

My office overlooks the Mormon Church in La Jolla that looks just like the one in the video. It is magnificient.

E. Jane said...

Sometimes there are no answers to why? You have many friends, and you are loved. You will heal--and there will be better days ahead for you. Sometimes things happen for a reason that we are not yet aware of. Take care...

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

Gracie... thank you. ((warm fuzzies))

You feel things deeply because you've been through a lot yourself. I can feel your compassion thru your blog. I'd love to hear about your experience you mention. You can always email me at: Margeneishere@yahoo.com

Yes, I believe you are talking about the San Diego Mormon Temple.... SOO BEAUTIFUL. Its a favorite of mine - looks like a castle almost. I've driven by it before but have never been in the visitors center yet. If we ever come that way - it'd be so fun to meet you!!

God bless...

Sandrelle said...

Margene, your video was beautiful and touching. It is evident that you have many wonderful people in your life who love you so much. (honored that you included me and Koda!)

I once saw a greeting card that said good friends are like good bras--they should support and uplift you!

Another saying I've lived by is: People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. This has helped me get through some tough times not understanding why friends and boyfriends didn't work out. It definitely sounds like this isn't about you at all, maybe she can't deal with whatever is going in her life. (((hugs)))

Kimberlynn said...

Margene...first I want to say how beautiful your video is. It shows once again what a beautiful person you are and what a lovely family and life you have. Embrace that. I know it's easy to say to just let go of all this...it's never that easy. You need time to grieve the loss of someone you thought was a friend. You've been deeply hurt and betrayed. It's okay that you're feeling all this. In time you'll be able to let it all go and move on. Until then, be kind to yourself.

I'm sending you a big (((hug)))...be blessed sweet friend!

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Joy said...

So so sorry you are still grieving my friend! I will pray for the Lord to restore your heart!

I love and miss you!!