There are certain times in your life that hit you so strong that you feel like a train ran over you. Times that can feel so overwhelming and are so painful, you can’t imagine how you will get through it. It may seem like too much to bear. Your mind can’t comprehend or wrap around why or what is the purpose or how could you have prevented it.
We will all have these times, maybe even MANY of these times in our lives.
And it’s not so much WHAT it is, but HOW we handle it. (or so we’re told :)
I had one of these times this week.
A friend who I’ve known for many years and who is most dear to me, ended her friendship with me in a very unkind way and giving me no opportunity to respond. She has been a huge part of my life and my journey. She was that friend I found after years of prayers. My heart is so broken. I have worked to make sense of this and it just boggles my mind. I have been turning to my Heavenly Father in much prayer.
Although my head has been swimming with all the repercussions this brings and how it will affect me and my family and everything that will be different now - as this friend was like a sister to me and we all love her family as well, I see myself tempted to slip under and allow myself to go back into that negative thinking, self loathing, and into that depressing exclusion from life. It would be so easy to stay in my room all day crying...
Yet I know I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that. I refuse to be a victim here.
I do love deeply and sincerely and I am a fiercely loyal friend and I have to allow myself to feel this pain - and then find a way to give it to my Savior and move on. I have to accept that all the questions I have will have to wait.
That ONE DAY it will make sense and
things will be made right.
I have to trust HIM. HE knows my heart.
HE knows my worth.
I have to believe that this
is NOT a reflection on me and my worth!
I truly have been a good, kind, loving and forgiving friend.
I’m not perfect, but I am WORTH KEEPING.
I did not deserve this.
It is humbling and painful to see that my friend really saw me more of an obligation and burden.
She did not really see me for who I am or value me or my friendship.
And I can forgive her.
That’s what friends do, right?
A true friend will forgive and love even when it’s not returned.
A true friend loveth at all times.
A true friend would not turn bitter.
And that’s what I want to be more than ever.
That true friend.
But it hurts soooo bad! My heart was so invested.
So some of my plans have been thrown off. A big part of my connection to Oregon has just been severed. I am no longer running the 1/2 marathon next month as I was going there to run it with her and she does not want to see me. :(
EVERYTHING is changed now.
I guess this is God’s way of giving me a NEW DIRECTION. It’s a very painful way, but HE loves me and I have to believe that where one door is closed - a new door will be opened. I have an incredible husband and family who love and appreciate me and they mean everything to me.
The worth of every soul is great. We don’t always treat each other or even ourselves as if we are of great worth, but we are! I hope I can do better at treating everyone like Jesus would.
And now on to things I’m Thankful For:
I finally have a running buddy!! Yay! We’ve gone out 3 times now and seem to increase our time with each run! We have really good visits too which makes running so much more fun! This is an answer to my prayers! This really helps me to keep going out running!
We had a lovely Easter Sunday. We had a beatiful singing program at church and I was part of our church choir. This is the first time I’ve done that as I’m not that great of a singer but I loved the experience. The music was unbelievable and beautiful! My daughter sang too, and on one song she played her flute. She did awesome. Then we had some fun friends over for sunday dinner and games. Good Times! And - I avoided Easter Candy!!!
It is Spring Break here and so my kids have been home with me and it’s been fun. It’s actually really good for me to have them here so I am not alone!! Yesterday, my daughter and I went INDOOR ROCK CLIMBING! I’ve been wanting to do that forever since I first tried a little wall after reaching my goal weight. We used a groupon and we have unlimited visits for two weeks! So we’ll be going back. Good Times! (Note to self... do not wear jeans next time!)
Even during the deepest trials of life, we know inside that it is all good, and we can overcome anything by turning to HIM who loves us and is there to help us, always! This is my anchor right now.
LIFE IS GOOD!