Our Quest to change our lives began in Feb. 2010 and we lost 224 lbs. This is the story of our continuing Journey through the ups and downs of maintenance.
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Thursday, April 12, 2012

Times that HIT you like a TRAIN...

There are certain times in your life that hit you so strong that you feel like a train ran over you.  Times that can feel so overwhelming and are so painful, you can’t imagine how you will get through it.  It may seem like too much to bear.  Your mind can’t comprehend or wrap around why or what is the purpose or how could you have prevented it.
We will all have these times, maybe even MANY of these times in our lives.  
And it’s not so much WHAT it is, but HOW we handle it.  (or so we’re told :)
I had one of these times this week.
A friend who I’ve known for many years and who is most dear to me, ended her friendship with me in a very unkind way and giving me no opportunity to respond.  She has been a huge part of my life and my journey.  She was that friend I found after years of prayers.  My heart is so broken.  I have worked to make sense of this and it just boggles my mind.  I have been turning to my Heavenly Father in much prayer.  
Although my head has been swimming with all the repercussions this brings and how it will affect me and my family and everything that will be different now - as this friend was like a sister to me and we all love her family as well, I see myself tempted to slip under and allow myself to go back into that negative thinking, self loathing, and into that depressing exclusion from life.  It would be so easy to stay in my room all day crying...
Yet I know I can’t do that.  I don’t want to do that.  I refuse to be a victim here.
I do love deeply and sincerely and I am a fiercely loyal friend and I have to allow myself to feel this pain - and then find a way to give it to my Savior and move on.  I have to accept that all the questions I have will have to wait.  
That ONE DAY it will make sense and 
things will be made right. 
I have to trust HIM.  HE knows my heart.  
HE knows my worth.
I have to believe that this 
is NOT a reflection on me and my worth!  
I truly have been a good, kind, loving and forgiving friend.  
I’m not perfect, but I am WORTH KEEPING.  
I did not deserve this.
It is humbling and painful to see that my friend really saw me more of an obligation and burden.  
She did not really see me for who I am or value me or my friendship.
And I can forgive her.  
That’s what friends do, right?   
A true friend will forgive and love even when it’s not returned.  
A true friend loveth at all times.  
A true friend would not turn bitter.  
And that’s what I want to be more than ever.  
That true friend.  
But it hurts soooo bad!  My heart was so invested. 
So some of my plans have been thrown off.  A big part of my connection to Oregon has just been severed.  I am no longer running the 1/2 marathon next month as I was going there to run it with her and she does not want to see me. :( 
EVERYTHING is changed now.  
I guess this is God’s way of giving me a NEW DIRECTION.  It’s a very painful way, but HE loves me and I have to believe that where one door is closed - a new door will be opened.  I have an incredible husband and family who love and appreciate me and they mean everything to me.  
The worth of every soul is great.  We don’t always treat each other or even ourselves as if we are of great worth, but we are!  I hope I can do better at treating everyone like Jesus would.
And now on to things I’m Thankful For:

I finally have a running buddy!!  Yay!  We’ve gone out 3 times now and seem to increase our time with each run!  We have really good visits too which makes running so much more fun!  This is an answer to my prayers!  This really helps me to keep going out running!

We had a lovely Easter Sunday.  We had a beatiful singing program at church and I was part of our church choir.  This is the first time I’ve done that as I’m not that great of a singer but I loved the experience.  The music was unbelievable and beautiful!  My daughter sang too, and on one song she played her flute.  She did awesome.  Then we had some fun friends over for sunday dinner and games.  Good Times!  And - I avoided Easter Candy!!!  

It is Spring Break here and so my kids have been home with me and it’s been fun.  It’s actually really good for me to have them here so I am not alone!!  Yesterday, my daughter and I went INDOOR ROCK CLIMBING!  I’ve been wanting to do that forever since I first tried a little wall after reaching my goal weight.  We used a groupon and we have unlimited visits for two weeks!  So we’ll be going back.  Good Times!  (Note to self... do not wear jeans next time!)

Even during the deepest trials of life, we know inside that it is all good, and we can overcome anything by turning to HIM who loves us and is there to help us, always!  This is my anchor right now. 


Christine said...

wow! I am sorry. I have broken off with a friend before and it hurt me,but there was signal flashes before it happened. That must have hurt badly. Maybe you could find a race around there? Hugs.

Lucy said...

You sound so hurt! I'm so sorry. You have the right plan though...giving it over to God, forgiving her.

No explanation huh? That's not a very nice thing to do. Pretty crummy actually.

Hang in there :)

E. Jane said...

I'm so sorry, and I do feel your hurt. This has to be more about her than about you. Something is going on with her, but you're better off to just let it be. Things may change, but sometimes things happen for the best--we just don't know it at the time they happen. Thinking of you. Take care.

Kimberlynn said...

I'm so sorry Margene. I experienced those same feelings several years ago when a dear friend did the same thing to me...no clear explanation was given...it was just over! For what it's worth, I think your handling this very well by keeping your focus on the right things...forgiveness, trust in the Lord, and your family. I know we only know each other through our blogs, but in the time that we have gotten to know one another, your sweet spirit comes through loud and clear. You are a beautiful, kind, and loving woman!

Hugs & Love to you sweet friend!

Sharon said...

How sad for someone to be so brutal. I've never really understood just ending a friendship in that way. In some ways, it seems so adolescent. Backing away slowly or at least giving an explanation would be much kinder. But as someone else already said, seems to me this is more about HER than about you. Move on! Easy for me to say, hard for you to do.

Karla said...

Ah sweetie (((((hugs))))))
I am sorry :(

Joy said...

Oh my Friend, I am sooo sorry!! Praying for you, that the Lord will restore your heart and fill it with His love, peace and joy!

So glad you have a running buddy, that is awesome! Keep up the great work!!

Love & miss you!!

Julie said...

It hurts and it hurts bad. The Lord will help you move along. Your new running buddy is awesome too.
I found an indoor climbing wall here too, well St. Cloud...hoping to get the Venture Crew to go.
I am sorry Margene, truly.
Take care and God Bless!!

Karen said...

Run that half marathon anyway. Once you get started on the course, you'll meet another person or two who will be your pace.

Good luck and keep going. Loosing your friend hurts, so grieve and then you'll meet a new close friend who you'll bond with. Hugs. Karen P

Holly from 300 Pounds Down said...

So sorry for what you're going through. It is always so tough for a friendship to end but I do believe that God will guide you through it. He may be opening another door for you with this new running partner of yours. Increasing your time whenever you are running together sounds very promising! And I agree with the other poster who said to run the half marathon anyway. Do it for YOU. You are worth it!

Kyra said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, because it's most definitely that. When I was younger, I experienced horrible loss of friends, and I knew I didn't deserve how things went either. Sometimes, people are cruel to those that would be the ones who would support them. There is probably something that makes sense in their minds, but completely baffles us from this side.

I hope that regardless of whatever reasons and pain there is, that this is the best for the both of you. That going forward, this will open doors and make room for something wonderful for you both.

E. Jane said...

I'm going private, and I hope you will continue to follow me. Contact me and let me know, so I can add you. I would miss you, if you didn't. It's all in my last post--check it out!