Our Quest to change our lives began in Feb. 2010 and we lost 224 lbs. This is the story of our continuing Journey through the ups and downs of maintenance.
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Monday, November 21, 2011

Being a Mother - Having a Mother

I love being a mom!  I love it that my kids are older now and I can have meaningful conversations with them and do fun stuff together.  Last Friday, my daughters and I went and saw the new Twilight movie (Breaking Dawn part 1).  I do have to say, that there was some parts I had them cover their eyes... poor planning on my part for not researching before we went.  However, we did have a fabulous gals night out together... shopping at the thrift store and running through the falling snow to the theater. 
Which brings me to say...
We had our first SNOW here since we have moved to Utah.  Here was the view Saturday morning out our back door.  
It has been another one of those hard weeks for me.  We were excited to have an OPEN HOUSE now that we own this home and invite all our relatives here from Utah to come.  It was just last Saturday.  We did a lot of little fix ups and work on the house to get ready.  We painted, fixed walls, installed a door, changed out some appliances, fixed a toilet, cleaned.... it was nice to have a reason to get stuff done.  And I made a bunch of little appetizers.
A delicious veggie tray with low fat dips, little smokies in a blanket from my own homemade garlic/parmesan dough, muddy buddies (that my daughter made), and this majorly scrumptious pumpkin chocolate chip cake with cream cheese frosting!
We had over 40 people committed to come, yet half way through it - only 2 had shown up.  Although, we did have a few more trickle in - (and even well after the time it was supposed to be over) - it was an emotional let down for me which I didn’t expect.
It really boils down to missing my own mother.   A mother shares in your joys and in your heartaches like no one else can.  Sometimes it feels like such a huge hole in my life to not have my parents here!   My kids could sure blossom with their attention and love.  It’s hard for anyone to understand unless their parents are gone.  I’ve had a relative tell me before to “get over it”... interestingly enough, this person still has their parents closeby.  So, it does leave me hesitant to share how it really feels.  Most people prefer to stay consumed in their own lives and problems.
Moving here to Utah and working to make a difference here, fit it, contribute at church and school, reach out and show an interest in others and in my extended family... 
I really do feel emotionally DRAINED and a bit depleted this week!  I need to work on filling my own bucket.  I miss my friends in Oregon.... but I can’t lean on them when I am feeling lonely and un-included here.  They have all moved on.
So today, although my heart is heavy and low.... I’ve recommitted myself to being STRICTLY on plan (which this past week I was not) and to drink lots of water.  Both Brent and I have committed to stay ON PLAN over Thanksgiving.  I refuse to turn to food for comfort.  I’m  having my kids eat the rest of that pumpkin cake... it’s just too good to be left alone with me.  :)  It’s time to focus on all my blessings which are MANY!  

I feel blessed to change the course of my life so that I will be here for my children... I don't want them to suffer the loss of their mother!
How do you plan to spend your Thanksgiving?
XoxoXO ~Margene

9 comments:

Jennifer said...

Hi Margene! It sounds like you have had a tough week. Hang in there and do just what you are doing. Remind yourself about the good things in your life. Sometimes its so easy to get caught up in the stress, isnt it? Its only natural. With time you will make more friends.

I am glad to hear you say you enjoy that your kids are older. Now that my girls are not babies anymore I am sometimes sad thinking about how they are growing up! I always want to be close with my girls too :)

Hang in there. Take control of your eating and maybe get some exercise in and you will feel better!!! I have started doing the same myself.

Jennifer

Polar's Mom said...

You know I always wonder about the motive of people telling me (without solicitation) how to behave within my own relationships (of which they typically are never involved). You are fully entitled, and should, miss your Mom. Holidays are the roughest time of year to miss family members-I feel like missing them is a tribute to them and all the joy they bring. I commend you for staying strong and on plan through TG...I can almost feel myself getting fatter just thinking about all that glorious food!
Hang tough, lady, we are here for ya!

Rettakat said...

Oh Margene... I know exactly that feeling. It took me back to all the times over the years when my husband and I had an anniversary. And I always knew Momma would send a card, even when no one else in the whole world did. Same with our birthdays.

My folks are gone now... Momma went Home in 2004. Yet just yesterday I was hit with such a longing to just be able to talk with her. She is forever entwined in the fabric of my life... life golden threads running through my heart.

Feel your feelings any way you need to... this is YOUR life and loss, and like Polars Mom said, you are entitled to your own way of handling it.

I suppose holidays are especially hard, and we miss them even more. I think that's rather normal. I was thinking of the yummy food Momma used to fix at Thanksgiving... and it's not the food I miss... it's the memories the food is attached to. :-}

Let's cherish our memories and let them cuddle around us like a blanket!

Okay, off to find the tissues, LOL!
Loretta

E. Jane said...

Holiday time can bring out so many emotions. I understand how you felt about the Open House (and it looked lovely).

Also, I miss both of my parents. There are moments in every day that I think about them, and they have both passed on. My mother and I had a rather difficult relationship, but I recognize that it was she and my dad who were most proud of me and rooted for me. We always have to remember to appreciate people while they are here.

Hang in there with the food plan. I'm doing it too! It will be so worth it after the holidays are over.

gracies tough journey said...

I feel your loneliness; it must be that time of the year. We miss friends that were and family that is gone. I started to feel that ache this week myself. But for the grace of God, our children we will see it thru and find the happiness that the holidays will bring. My heart is with you and hope your sorrow is short lived.

I too, love being a mother and am so grateful that God allowed me to be one.
Gracie

Sharon said...

I hear the cry in your words and I want so badly to cross however many states it is between TN and Utah just to wrap you up in a hug! I see the comments and hear the words about missing your mom and I don't mean to undermine that in any way, shape or form, BUT I think this is also a lot about facing the holiday season in a new place where you don't yet have a circle of friends who have embraced you in that warm way that says, "we're really glad you're here!" And I am so sorry. This doesn't help you at all (I wish it could!), but you better believe my eyes are open and I am looking with clear focus for ANYONE around me who might be in a similar circumstance as you and I WILL embrace them and include them. I wish I could do more for you, but I will pray that God will open the eyes of someone around you that will reach out and say, "welcome, let's be friends."

Lori said...

Margene,
I had a similar experience with a Christmas open house several years ago. I worked my tail off, making all sorts of treats from scratch. I think three people showed up. It was really heartbreaking.

I am blessed to have my own mother about 2 miles away. I can't imagine living hours away. Especially in a new environment where I was just beginning to make new friends. You are a kind and generous person, and you will develop a circle of friends. This time next year, things will be much, much better for you, I'm sure.
Lori

Julie said...

First, I am sorry about the open house and your parents not being with you. I can't imagine being without mine and I don't want to think about it.
Last week a friend and I hosted an open house for her shop. 50 people signed up for the free workshop, more said they come but and welcome the new shop. We worked for two weeks getting everything ready. I have to say the shop is most awesome. We prepared more food then a 100 people would eat and you know what, 4 people came, my parents and hers, no one else. She cried so hard, I felt so bad and was ready to shoot anyone for hurting my friend like that. I know how you felt and I am sorry.
Good luck with your continuing journey. I so love that you have Brett there to cruise along with you.
Take care my friend and have an awesome Thanksgiving. Enjoy that family of yours, they are such a wonderful bunch and they are so lucky to have such a terrific mama.

Joy said...

Ah snow....all we've had is rain and wind....you know how it gets!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving my friend!

Love and miss you!