10 Holiday Feasting Tips

The Holiday season has always presented me with a conflict. Most people may think of this time as a chance to visit with friends and relatives, remind ourselves of everything we're thankful for, to relax, and to share the Spirit of Christmas. However, we all know that this time means one thing.... FOOD!

So in order to maintain my weight this season, I am going to use these 10 tips handed down in my family through generations. It would be most selfish of me not to share:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used to medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as pumpkin pie, ice cream, and hot chocolate.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment packages and not part of one's personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Vines, and Goobers.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are pie filling licked off a spoon or frosting licked off a knife.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are squash and pumpkin pie, apples and strawberry ice cream, milk and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Asking for a blessing on the food and expressing thankfulness before a holiday dinner causes all the food to be eaten to be extremely healthy and vitalizing for your body despite the quantity of food consumed.

There you have it folks! Share these tips as you wish, and by all means, enjoy this holiday season of food.... I mean, of Thanksgiving!!

20 TIPS: HOW TO AVOID LOOKING FAT!

How to avoid looking fat!

(aka - how to trick your brain into thinking that you will not appear fat to anyone who is looking at you)... from the ever so professional experts... me and the hubs!

1. Stand in the Back. The people in front of you are the ones who stick out. You will look so skinny all the way in the back!

2. Stand behind your kids - people will see your face and only assume you have a skinny body behind your cute kids. If you don’t have kids, borrow someone else’s!

3. Have the camera angle up high - This is a classic. You always look skinny from above and you can’t see those double chins either!

4. Provide a look of intelligence and distinction - this is for when nothing else is available. Your intelligent look will make people wonder what you know that they don’t and they won’t even notice your humongous girth!

5. Stand with flowers in front of your face - I came up with this ingenious idea. Notice how your eyes are drawn to these sunflowers and I am just kind of blending in with their beauty. No thought whatsoever is given to my double chin. True ingeniousness!

6. Stand in front of something big - You will look ever so tiny when you are next to something big like this huge palm tree.

7. Stand next to the ocean - going along with #6 - what is bigger than the ocean? See how tiny I look next to the vastness of the sea? (you might have to look hard to find me!)

8. Do rabbit ears on someone - This works everytime! Simply put rabbit ears on the person next to you and the attention is drawn to them. Boy, how silly they look. People won’t even notice that you are eating ice cream!

9. Squat behind a couch - my sister and I authored this idea. People will only focus on your beautiful smiles and not even wonder why you are squatting down.

10. Stand cheek to cheek - something about the blending of cheeks seems to reduce mass. And people will only focus on how cute you are together instead of how large you are together!

11. Wear Turtle Necks - Another classic. Who doesn’t do this to hide their chin? This one is a stylish “wrap around”... even inside a store it does not look weird that I am covering up. And who knows but that I have a super model skinny body underneath that poncho? (of course, I’m wearing a big life jacket under there as well, ya see)

12. Hold a cute purse - YES! All you really notice in this picture is that super cute purse I have. Coincidence? NOPE, I did it to distract you. Quite the genius, I know!

13. Hold something cool - going along with #12 - you can also hold something very cool like some Star Trek ships. This distracts people and makes you look amazing!

14. Talk on your Cell Phone - Everyone knows that people who talk on their cell phones in public are very important and successful people. And very important successful people are never thought to be fat. Therefore, you will look skinny when you talk on your cell phone!

15. Wear a Sweet Mask - Especially if it’s someone cool like Nacho Libre. Others only see your total coolness and cool people never look big!

16. Hold a baby - Another classic!! Babies are so cute. You can’t help but look adorable and skinny when you hold a cute little baby!

17. Hold a baby and wear a hat - Everyone knows that a cute hat makes you look thin and add this to holding a baby and you will impress everyone!

18. Wear hat and sunglasses - for the ultimate STELLAR look! Passerby’s will be amazed at your sleek look that it will only register in their brain that you are thin and fit!

19. Fold you arms and look dangerous - This draws attention to your strength. People will assume that your largeness is just your incredible muscle and “big boneness” which adds to your coolness quotient factor!

20. When all else fails - Stare Blankly! This is a last resort and you have a 50/50 chance of coming across extremely intelligent or extremely distracted. Either way, attention is drawn away from your size!

Well.... eventually we ran out of ways to keep ourselves deluded and found a way to try and stop looking fat for reals! Still on that journey!

Life is Crazy

Our lives are a little crazy right now with so much up in the air and school starting next week. We are sticking to our eating plan, though, although we are lacking in sleep. My poor man is only getting about 3-4 hours some nights... not good. Sleep is so important for good health.

I thought I would inject a little health humor into our crazy lives right now. Enjoy!

ITALIAN PASTA DIET - FINALLY A DIET THAT REALLY WORKS !!

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da ice cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

STUDIES SHOW:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.