We can finally do this...

It only took 22 years of marriage and now Brent can pick me up like this.

It's so funny because he grabs me now when I least expect it and picks me up and we just laugh.  I love all the new found attention I get from my hubs.  I don't care if we look like immature dorks... I mean, that's what we are so why fight it?  At least we amuse our kids.

It really is a CRAZY week.  Our front room is torn up, and we're leaving for a quick trip to Utah and flying home on Sunday.  Then it's one more week until my hubs is flying out there for work.  We've never been apart for that long.  I feel a little heartache for him already and he's not even gone yet.  And the list of "to do" is so astronomically long.

We had a quick date night last Saturday and went to Panda Express and then a movie.  Here is what we ate:  We both had the steamed veggies, and I had mushroom chicken (on right) and Brent had two other entree's that I can't remember the name of... beef something and spicy chicken.  It was so good.  Higher in calories, I'm sure than our regular lean and greens.

  

A couple other lean and greens this week was:

Costco salmon and salad with Bolthouse Farms yogurt dressing (left).  And 1 Costco chicken patty cut up on salad w/ 2 ounces low fast shredded cheese and Walden Farms dressing (right).

(The lean was split between the cheese and chicken - my hubs loves that)

I LOVE my lean and greens!

We got new Android phones on our T-mobile account and I was up until 4am adding contacts and getting it all set up.  Sheesh... that doesn't help my weight loss!  It's all going to be good and work out.  It'll be fun having all the options and apps on our phones, tho.  I can even post from my phone!   I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff but right now, nothing looks small.  Life is good.  Sending my love and prayers to all my blogger friends!!  XOXO ~Margene

Week 54 (1 year and 2 weeks into Lifestyle Change)

I lost 3 pounds!!  I am now at 141... so close to the 130's.  Feels SOOO good!!  I remember thinking I'd be happy to just lose 50 pounds or even 100 but to think I've lost 139 just floors me!  I've almost lost 1/2 of myself!  It's so great to know and feel that I can set my ultimate goal and reach it!  I am 6 pounds away from my original goal.

Now, for the frustrating part.  Brent has really been on plan this week, stayed away from soda, worked out at the gym, and even downed 144 ounces a water a day and still he showed a 2 pound gain!  I am really stumped.  I know he is discouraged.  My thought is that it must be his STRESS that is sabotaging his weight loss.  There's no reason his weight shouldn't be falling off him.  When we first started, his stress wasn't as bad as it is right now.  It's like his body reacts to stress without him even thinking stressful thoughts.  Somehow, he is internalizing it maybe.  We are still praying and searching for an answer to this... daily!

 

Wearing my "big" jacket which just a few months ago barely fit! 

The countdown is on until he's gone and today we've been going through our boxes and storage again and downsizing.  Brent has our front room all set up for labeling and organizing.  It is more laborious than I thought.  I hope I don't regret throwing away some of the stuff I am but it's all part of the process.  Boy, have we downsized a ton in the last 2-3 years.  It's all good, though.  It's about prioritizing and realizing what is most important.  I've enjoyed reading so many other blogs on healthy journeys and I actually enjoyed the opportunity to pray for my fellow travelers.  So many of you are going through hard times and really difficult situations.  My heart truly goes out to each of you.  We've got to hang on and know that we are watched over and loved.  Life is good and we CAN do this!!  Much love XOXO ~ Margene

Friday!!

Today, Brent has work off!! Yay, it was a "flex week".  Last night after the kids went to bed, we slipped off to the gym together for a small work out.  It felt good.  I was using weights while I walked on the treadmill working my arms... I've got a lot of flab on them to tighten up.  Working out with some great tunes on the Ipod makes all the difference!  I was walking and dancing and closing my eyes while lip syncing... so glad it was late and not many people were there!  I really want to try a Zumba class sometime.

I feel like every moment with my man is precious right now.  In just a couple weeks, he will be gone to start work in Utah.  We watched "Red" last night all cuddled up.  I am going to miss that.  We'll have Skype and unlimited cell phone minutes between us but.... nothing beats physical contact!  I am also trying to get his "lean and green" meals easy for him to make himself and have him set up for success.  He's excited to take his bike and hit the gym there in Utah.  He'll be able focus on his own health more and maybe this is what will help him conquer his stress (as long as he doesn't spend all the time worrying about me!).

This whole new adventure seemed so right, but as it gets closer and we realize everything involved and what all we're leaving behind, we sure hope we're doing the right thing!  Taking that leap of Faith.... again!  I have a friend who has told me more than once that we can still change our minds... that we've already uprooted our kids in our move last October... do we really want to uproot again and to another state?  Her words have actually brought me down a bit.  It's not that she even seeks out my friendship or would miss me but she is just responding to her own kids who will miss our kids.  She is responding as a mom.  We are doing what we feel would be best for our kids.  This whole move is more about our kids future than us.  They are everything to us!  The Lord knows what's best and He knows the future so we are trying to put our Trust in Him.  It is scary... as I'll be moving to an area where I'll know no one and be starting literally from scratch!  But we do have family in Utah and there are a lot of things we are looking forward to.

Anyways... enough rambling this morning.  I am hoping for a good weigh-in tomorrow.  We've been on plan all week... except for making some more Zucchini chips last night and we just couldn't stop.  They are so addictive and yummy.  Way better than potato chips!  Hope our work out helped... how much can zucchini hurt anyway?  :)  Life is good!!

Renewed Effort

Brent has really been making a renewed effort these last few days stickin' to plan and downing water like a maniac.  He's really been kicking it up.  We went to the gym last night and he worked it good.  I hope he see's a loss on Saturday morning for all his hard work.

I made him his favorite yesterday:

Cauliflower breadsticks again.  SOOO good!

Today, when Brent came home from work, he loved my outfit and wanted to take some pics.  I love it most when he notices, ya know!  I look like I have a weird expression and I'm standing weird but this is the first time I'm wearing layers.  Still strange to realize this is me!

Sticking ON PLAN and drinking the H2O!!

Who's with me?  Let's make it a great weekend!!

Life is good!!  XOX ~Margene

Sweet Valentine's

Happy Valentine's Day!!

I hope you are feeling loved.

Brent gave me a stuffed bear, feather rose, and red blanket and nice card for Valentine's day.  It was sitting on my desk when I got home from my meeting last night.  Sweetie!  I noticed that he chose the exact same bear he got for me last year!  I looked at this pic from last year and it seems like a lifetime ago.

Valentine's 2010

Valentine's 2011

My Eagle Son (love saying that) surprised me today as well with a big bear and a bouquet of flowers.  How sweet was that?  I feel very blessed with the men in my life.  Sending my love to you as well... XOXO ~Margene

Week 53 - I survived!

I literally have not had two minutes to myself until just this moment since I last posted!  It's been crazy.  Mostly good crazy.  I lost 3 pounds!!!  Brent gained 2 pounds.  (bummer).  So net loss is 1 pound, I guess. I am less than 10 pounds from goal!  Woo Hoo!

First of all, my son's Eagle Court of Honor was FANTASTIC!  Over 130 people showed up to support him.  Wow!  Two of Brent's three brothers were in town and came, as well as his father - who is my son's only living grandparent.  That was pretty sweet.  And also Brent's sister from Arizona was in town and my oldest brother came as well as my nephew and his family from Washington.  We had wonderful family support there.  I even gave a mothers tribute speech!  I tell ya, I prayed long and hard not to be nervous, and I wasn't.  I was able to just focus on what I wanted to say about and to my son.  I got to put his Eagle pin on his scout shirt and it felt pretty good.  So proud of him because I know what it took for him to earn that!  After we got it all cleaned up - my girls and I even got to run to a late movie with some friends.  That was nice to relax and let the boys take everything home and unload.

Then last night, Brent and I DJ'd  an adult valentine's dance.

As you can see by the picture, I brought our lean and green and we stayed ON PLAN even when working.  It was Hawaiian theme and they were serving pulled pork and haystacks with white rice and lots of cake and fondue.  We didn't touch any of it but enjoyed our own food.  Felt good, ya know!

Here's a lean and green I had this week.  A Morningstar Garden burger with sauteed mushrooms and red peppers and 3/4 cup cottage cheese (my lean was split between the cottage cheese and garden burger).  And on the right are zucchini chips!!  Wow, I love these even MORE than Kale Chips.  So good!  I got the recipe from Sandy's Blog here!  I took them with me to the movie as my snack and loved them!

Thanks for the wonderful comments on my last post.  I really appreciated every single one of them.  It's weird because I know we have such wonderful support (like at the court of honor)... but so often I struggle feeling completely alone and friendless.  I struggle with how I perceive things and really wish I could get a break from it.  I am so thankful that Brent is there to stick by me and comfort me in all my fluctuating emotions.  Life is so good, ya know?!!  Take care my friends XOXO ~Margene

Big Weekend

Today is the night of my son's Eagle Court of Honor and there is SO much to do and set up.  There is even family that will happen to be in town which will be SO fabulous to have there.  I think I have everything ready... and I know it will turn out wonderful.  I finished the video presentation of his scouting life complete with the audio comments of many of his scout leaders through the years.  I've got his items to display, refreshments arranged, decorations ready to load, sound system already there, people hopefully scheduled to help, my own outfit picked out with eagle earrings, boys scout shirts washed & pressed, etc.  I am just feeling a little down right now.  I am plagued with painful thoughts... I don't even want to write them down or acknowledge them because they are probably not true, but it feels true.  I know I've said it before, but I am missing my mom and dad today.  Today is one of those days I would love to share with them and have them see their grandson.  I can be honest I wish I could feel their love as well.

In a few months we will be moving from here.  My hubs will even start sooner than that and be gone from us for a while.  It's going to be a crazy 6 months or more.  People are starting to learn that we are moving and pretty soon it'll be like "You're still here?  I thought you were moving?"  Anyway... I've got to get my head in the game right now... no time for emotional blog posts, even though that is how I'm feeling.

Tomorrow is weigh-in and I'm hoping for a big loss.... we'll see.

Today... food and shopping!

Today I treated myself to a little shopping.  In anticipation of our tax return in a few days and with the fact that I don't have many clothes my actual size I slipped out today to a couple of stores and got a few things to wear.  How fun!  I found a size 10 denim skirt on sale.  My only other skirt is size 16 and I've been wearing it for a few months.  And I finally got a few size 10 pants!  I am going to get rid of all my size 14 and up - many I've only worn once, but since I'm not going to ever go that direction, I might as well get them out of my house.

My shopping haul!

I also got a couple pair of leggings - which I love wearing around the house or even to bed.  I find that I like pants that are more like skinny jeans all the way to the ankle.  They just are so comfy.  Whenever I try on the flared jeans, I just can't stand them.  It's fun for me to even realize that I have likes and dislikes in clothes.  I have been subject for so many years to whatever the huge plus size styles were and mostly just stretchy pants.  I love jeans!  I even tried on a couple dresses that I liked but I was trying not to splurge too much.  This is so much fun!!

Tonight, Brent and I had the same thing we had last night... taco salad.  I used extra lean ground beef and ground turkey breast simmered in a light taco seasoning (and sprinkled with some low fat cheese) on a crunchy salad with some Walden Farms bacon & ranch dressing.  Very satisfying.  I really want to drop some pounds this month so let's see if I can be strictly on plan and increase my exercise!  Gotta do it!  So many of my blogger friends just haul butt and really get their work outs in.  I need to step it up and at least get some consistent walking in.  Thanks for all your inspiration and encouragement.  Let's do this!!

One Year - Pictures!!!

These pictures say a thousand words!  Others may forget how big I was, but I will ALWAYS remember and NEVER go back!

Week 52 ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY

Weigh-in today showed that I got 1 pound off my body this last week and Brent stayed the same.

This week marks our one year anniversary since starting this lifestyle change  Wow, a whole year and it's like our lives have changed 10 years worth!  Just think if we would have put off this change... how crappy and miserable we'd still be feeling.  Life is hard enough with out weight and health issues!

And NOW....  another big change is happening this year, as if 2010 didn't bring us enough changes (albeit good but you know how change can be hard).  We are going to be buying a home. Yay!  Huge Blessing! That is one of our goals this year.  AND... We will be MOVING - again!  But this time it's not just a couple miles away but a couple states away.  We are moving to UTAH!!  (this summer)  It's like I've had constant butterflies in my stomach the last few days (since the job situation fell into place and this became a reality) as I've been thinking about all we need to do and the impact of leaving our beloved Oregon and friends!  Yes, it is an adventure and it's exciting... and I need to get over my fear of the craziness and just embrace it!  I need to NOT feel like I'm losing everything we have here, and that's so hard for me!

It's all good (right?) ... Yes, it is!!

And, this week we are having our son's Eagle Court of Honor.  This apparently is no small event.  It almost compares to planning a small wedding reception in it's time and complexity.  I'm excited for him.  He worked so hard and It will be wonderful to see him "pinned" with his Eagle badge.  Another treat for mom.

So the test is to stay on plan and still reach our goal by the end of February.  I can see when I am not as strict on plan because my weight loss goes to zero or 1 pound.  When I follow the plan, it's always 2-4 pound a week gone.  I need to kick it up a notch!  Especially if I want to go for that Medifast "Happy After" contest!!

The Lords Hand has been apparent in our lives as we have been seeking direction.  I know it requires me to be patient and TRUST HIM.  I am learning... slowing... but learning.  Above all I feel so happy and so thankful to have lost the weight I have.  Every SINGLE day, I find things that are easier and I feel SO much better!  I never thought I would do this or lose all this weight.  I really never imagined I'd be where I am now in size 10.  It's unreal.  I feel SO humbled and thankful!!  Here I am 42 years old and I am finally ready for life!  I'm ready to let go of all the bad and just embrace the good.  Why has it taken me so long?  Better late than never, I suppose.  Life is good, my friends!  Take care XOXOX ~Margene

17 years ago...

...Today was when my father passed away... peacefully in our home from cancer.  He was an amazing man and left a legacy of strength, faith, and obedience.  I miss him.  It would have been fun for him to be alive and see me now.  I am the baby of 7 children and my dad always called me his "little one".  Funny that I got obese and did not feel like his little one... but now, I wouldn't mind hearing him call me that!

Brent is really going through some big time stress these last few days... to where he is in survival mode and not really keeping up with his eating every 3 hours like he should.  He's living on his diet soda for coping.  I have faith that we WILL find the answer to conquering his stress... just wish it would be sooner than later.

Last night was a little hard for me emotionally.  I see that I go through the same patterns in my thoughts and  I work SO HARD to overcome them.  Only God knows how hard it is for me and how hard I work at it.  I was telling Brent how cool it would be right now if my mom was alive... how I would love to hang out with her, call her on the phone, go shopping with her, learn from her... how I miss her and that unconditional love!

We have so many opportunities for growth and there are exciting things on our horizon... it's still a trek to get there.  I am fighting thoughts of feeling alone.  So many situations in my life have led me to believe that I am too much for people... that they only want me in small doses.  But I know that may be a lie and that my Savior loves me and He misses me - and He's the creator of this earth so that says something.

Sticking on plan, praying for the hubs, and looking at a bright future.  Life is good!

My Dad & Me when I was 11 at a "Daddy Daughter Date"

Week 51 - We had BREADSTICKS!!

Okay, I did not lose or gain this last week... the scale did not budge for me but stayed right on 148.  At least I don't have to bother changing my ticker up there on the left!  BUT the hubs jumped up again to 203... a 4 pound gain.  Ahhhh... so discouraging for him.  He stayed mostly on plan with just a little snitching of the pb and lots of soda.  I really think the stress is sabotaging him because it also brings on lack of sleep.  And getting enough SLEEP is a big component of weight loss and health!  Nevertheless, it's onward we go sticking to plan!

Last night I made cauliflower bread sticks that I found here on Sandy's Kitchen blog and they were SO FLIPPIN' GOOD!  Thank you SO much Sandy for that idea!!  I made the breadsticks and marinara sauce exactly from her recipe and it was divine.  The hubs was in heaven.  It makes a complete lean and green too, with the egg beaters and cheese counting as the lean, and the cauliflower and tomato counting as the green.

They filled me up too, too and totally satisfied me as my meal. 

I am also excited about making some cauliflower crusts and freezing them like Sandy shows on her blog.  So yesterday, I cut up 5 cauliflower heads and put them through my food processor and today I will be baking them into crusts and freezing them.  I'm excited to have that as another quick meal to make that gives me and Brent more variety.  It's just making that crust for the cauliflower pizza that takes more time, so if I have crusts ready in my freezer, I'm sure I will make them more often!

I have been reading Dr. A's Habits of Health book and thought all week about sharing tid bits of what I'm learning on here.  I will do that this next week.  Such great information.

I am also excited about joining a contest on the Facebook Medifast page here.  It's the "Happy After" contest for those who have reached their goal and submit their success story into Medifast.  10 winners will be flown out for a professional makeover, shopping session with personal stylist, a photo shoot and a chance to appear in Medifast's national advertising.  I would LOVE for Brent and me to reach our goal and enter this contest!!  Wouldn't it be cool if we BOTH won?  I am most excited about the professional make over and shopping as I have never had that... and I've been so large for so long, it would be SO amazing.  I would never even imagine myself in such a position a year ago.  It's like a dream.  So there is another motivation to reach our goal soon.   I am praying for my man!!

Have a great weekend, my friends.  Enjoy life because it is GOOD!  xoxoXO~Margene

Week 50 - A total FIRST

Yesterday marked the end of our 50th week of this lifestyle change.  The scaled showed me a 1 pound loss and showed Brent a 4 pound loss.  Yeah Brent!!!  I think mine would have been more if I would consciously been drinking more water.  Sometimes I stop being as consistent but when I do, I see bigger losses.  I'll take a pound gone, though!

I have a couple of NSV (non scale victories) to share.  What makes these different is that they are TOTAL FIRSTS for me and just SO DIFFERENT from what I'm used to experiencing.

1. Some guy made a pass at me on Facebook!!  What?  Are you kidding me?  He saw my profile picture on Facebook and sent a message saying he loved my picture and wanted to know if he could get to know me!  I was LAUGHING so hard.  No one ever asks me that until now, at age 42!  That is really TOO FUNNY!!  I know he's just a player but still, a total first for me.

2. A friend of my husbands was talking to Brent and said, "Your wife it HOT" - accentuating the "HOT" as he spoke.  No one - other than Brent - has called me hot before!  I am the same person, but somehow, now, I am hot.  Does anyone else find this funny?  I laugh every time I think of it.

It's not that I am not flattered, because I am, but it's more like why is it that I am only hot or beautiful AFTER I loose 130+ pounds?  Even to myself?  Now, I'm this 42 year old woman and mom of 4 kids, and now I'm  hot?  Too funny!  This is why I love Brent so much.  He ALWAYS thought I was hot, even when I was 280 pounds!  Not once in my life, has he ever made a negative reference to my weight, but he has always been ACCEPTING of me.  And that is what I needed because I wasn't accepting of myself.

Last week I made some more Peanut Butter Balls using Medifast hot cocoa and PB2 - A favorite of ours!  Here's a lean and green where I split up my lean in-between chicken and cottage cheese and had some delicious roasted asparagus!

On the left here is some Rotisserie chicken and some quickly sauteed red peppers & mushrooms.  This is like my "fast food"... love it!  On the right is left over asparagus and chicken mixed up with zucchini ribbons.  This is where I used a peeler on zucchini and just made them into ribbons and sauteed them on the stove.  A fun and different way to eat them.

On the left there is my Teriyaki Chicken bowl.  I took a cut up red pepper and sauteed it with some chicken and added a little "Wok with Me" Teriyaki glaze/sauce.  The "Wok with Me" sauces are so good and lower calorie and carb than most.  On the right, is some cut up chicken patties from Costco, and my favorite Rachel Ray recipe of sauteed red cabbage again!  This time I added in a little tomato just to see how I like it.  It was still just as yummy!

Here is Brent's new favorite dish.  These Amylui chicken meatballs from Costco - so low in calories and carbs and high in protein!  He LOVES to put hot sauce on them.  They already have their own little kick.  So this rivals his other favorite of the Morning Star sausage patties.  He's a little more particular on what "lean" he likes so when we find a new favorite for him, I get excited!

I hope you have an awesome start of your week.  I love how every week is new and fresh and ready for good healthy choices!!  Life is good!!!

Week 49 - Met Dr. Anderson! New pant size!

Brent and I had a wonderful Weekend at a “Take Shape For Life” event where Dr. Anderson himself came out here to Portland!!  How cool is that?  He is the co-founder of this program and the author of “Habits of Health”.  And WOW is he so intelligent, informative and amazing.  I was taking notes like crazy and got 13 pages filled.  I feel so excited and motivated and inspired!

I have been devouring his book “Habits of Health”.  I KNOW this is what is going to help us not only lose all our weight but maintain the weight loss and increase our health to where we have premium health.  Because it’s not just about losing weight and not being sick, it’s about reaching optimal health and living a life to it’s potential!  I am so ON that!

Afterwards, I was able to have him sign my book.  I told him about how much weight the hubs and I have lost and I even gave him a little picture of us.  He was so happy for us and shook both our hands.  Brent snapped this picture for me.

I also got our pics taken with two people that have been a huge inspiration to me in this weight loss journey.  This is Lisa and Jaime Castro who between themselves and their family have lost 330 lbs and maintained that.  They have gone on to help hundreds of others lose weight and get healthier and they are the most positive and motivating people to be around!  Lisa is a real example to me and I feel motivated to be more like her.  I love how lean and healthy she is and what an active and fun lifestyle she has now.  Not that long ago, I would have thought that was impossible for me!

Brent, Margene, Lisa & Jaime Castro

So it is week 49.  We have been on this program almost a year now.  And what an amazing journey so far!  This last week I lost 3 pounds!  I am now 149 lbs.... I am in the 140’s!  Can you believe it?  It’s amazing to me.  Not only that... but I fit into this size 10 pants!!  I think I would have fainted a year ago at the thought that I would fit into size 10!  I was size 28/30 just a year ago!  Woo Hoo!  Do you know how liberating that feels?

Me in size 10 pants!

But on the not-so-exciting note, Brent gained 3 pounds this week.  :(  He has been dancing around the 198 to 203 now for a few months.  Bummer!  He has been struggling with stress, lack of sleep and anxiety and it is affecting his weight loss.  We are putting a lot of prayer and effort into figuring out a solution to ease his struggles.  This is another reason why the changes that will be happening this year will be for the better, hopefully.  His weight loss is still so amazing and I still LOVE to stare at him and think he’s the hottest thing ever!  I just want him to FEEL better and to get relief from his stress somehow.

Last week, I made this awesome new Lean and Green meal:  Spinach Frittatta.  I found this recipe here on “New Beautiful Me” blog of Cody Jo’s who is also doing the Take Shape For Life program.  She has some wonderful recipes on her blog that I will be trying.  So glad I found her blog!!  :)

This is so much food and it all counts as your lean and green!  I changed it just a little bit from Cody Jo’s recipe by not using the olives, but cut up some light laughing cow cheese wedges instead (counts as the healthy fat).  I baked mine for about 18 minutes at the 425 degrees.  It was delish!  I couldn’t even eat all of it... so I ate the rest of it a little later.

Here is a lean and green I made Brent last week with just his 3 Morning Star sausages, and some cut up tomatoes, red and yellow peppers on a bed of spinach with some Walden Farms ranch dressing to dip in.  He loved it.  I also made Rachel Ray's recipe of sauteed red cabbage again because I love it.  I had it with some Costco salmon.  Another delicious lean and green!  We eat so good!  It just kicks butt on our old gross fast-food and high-calorie-restaurant eating days!

Well, my friends... thank you for reading my blog and for all the wonderful comments and support you give us both.  I truly wish I could meet and hug every one of you who reads this!  I hope you have a fabulous week!  Be gentle with yourself, keep it one good choice at a time, and remember that LIFE IS GOOD!  xoxOXO ~Margene

What is the Value of a Life?

This week has been another amazing week and tomorrow is weigh-in.  We’ve enjoyed our new rig, Max, and feel overwhelmed at our blessings.  And more changes will be coming on our horizon this year.  It’s exciting and scary.  Change is always scary for me.  It’s a leap of faith.  Never in our married life have we had so much change as we have this last year and even more is coming.  But it’s all GOOD.

I have been reflecting so much this week.  Reflecting on my past life and how different I feel and look today.  It’s like a dream.  I remember so perfectly the years of my life that I spent in pain, in heartache, and in self-loathing.  For so many years, I secretly wanted to  pass on to the next life.  I didn’t want to be here.  Many times in prayer, I asked God to take me for surely He wanted me and loved me.  I didn’t feel wanted here.  I didn’t feel valued.  I knew I was loved, I knew I am a daughter of God, I knew I have infinite worth... but I didn’t FEEL it personally.  I often wondered and asked myself:  

What is the value of a life?  What is the value of MY life?  What is the worth of my soul?

I wondered because my perspective was that I was NOT valued by my family, or by “friends” (which I didn’t have), and not even by myself.  My perspective was that there was so much more negative about me than positive - that’s what I felt everyone was telling me.  I did not see any beauty in myself.  For years, I think I leaned on the love of my husband to feel I had worth.  

When my mom died in 1993, it was the hardest time of my life.  She always seemed to feel that I was beautiful, even though I knew I wasn’t.  She always noticed the good things about me, even though I couldn’t see them.  Then she was gone overnight.

The last picture taken of my mother 

Brent, me, my dad, sister-in-law, and brother after mom's funeral

I found this entry in my journal just a few weeks after she died:

Wed. June 23, 1993

“I’m not enjoying life right now.  I try to describe how I’m feeling and what I’m going through - no one feels what I feel.  No one cares.  This is so hard!  I’m finding it hard to have the desire to live.  Everything is left on my shoulders and I can’t bear it any longer all alone...

I am so large, I am so ugly - I can’t stand to see myself.  Even when I feel like I do look good, I see myself in the mirror or picture and see how bad I really do look.  I am not a good wife - I don’t have enough time to be a good mother to my son.  It feels like no one is helping me.  I’m tired of this.  I long to feel loved and feel wanted - maybe even feel beautiful.  I don’t think I ever will.”

I remember sobbing as I wrote this entry.  I remember that heartache perfectly.  It’s now over 17 years later and I have been climbing my way out of the pit of self-loathing, and I am close to the top.  I’ve learned that all those negative thoughts and perspective were really just a BIG LIE!  I entertained the idea that I had no real worth and it started to become one of my core beliefs.  Then everything negative that happened in my life just fed that belief.  And it was and is a lie.  This has been a huge revelation to me recently.  Anything that feeds such a belief does NOT come from God and is not based on TRUTH.  So I am learning to STOP FEEDING that belief and to START FEEDING the belief that we each have infinite worth and value - that I have infinite worth and value!  And our value has nothing to do with the way we are treated!  It is a continual process to change these beliefs in me.

So when someone we love hurts us or betrays us, it has no bearing on our worth or value.  Or if we don’t have that special someone in our life or can’t find those cherished friendships it doesn’t mean we have no value.  That can be incredibly hard to believe but it is TRUTH.  The fact is, is that we are all human and we don’t really SEE the true value and worth of each other!  But our Heavenly Father DOES.  He is the one who can truly comfort us and fill us with that love and self-worth.

Words can’t do justice in expressing what it’s like to come up from that pit.  Those who have been there, and who are still there know and I pray anyone in such a pit of self-loathing can crawl out completely.  To look in the mirror and feel that my life does matter, that I do make a difference being on this planet and that my worth is infinite - it’s more life changing than losing the weight!  And to look in the mirror and feel like I am beautiful... words cannot describe such a feeling - Joy & Gratitude are a start.

So after many years of feeling that life just stinks and I’d rather move on... I am changing my song.  That is why LIFE IS GOOD.  Life is WORTH LIVING and even CHERISHING!  And our lives are worth celebrating.