Sunday Musings

When I realize the gravity of the change I am making in my life, it is ASTOUNDING. It is SO much more than shedding pounds to me. I made a goal this year to put the past behind me and truly move on. That is really my greatest challenge. I have been struggling the last TWO years over a very painful situation. My heart has truly been broken and I have been left with no real closure or understanding. It’s been the most painful experience of my life so far. I have struggled my way to “move on” and feel better. Yet often I have been caught up again in feelings of sorrow, confusion and loss. I decided a while ago to put this situation in the Lord’s hands and just trust Him.

So, for my own emotional well-being, and that of my family – I made an official goal to put this painful event behind me and ALL other past events that have been hurtful to me and LET IT ALL GO. If I trust the Lord than I need to believe that the future is brighter than the past. My goal to lose my weight is also “LETTING GO” of my weight. I have been carrying around extra weight for 25 years and with it I’ve been carrying around all my sorrows and heartaches. It has been a struggle to feel happy and I am a very cheerful, fun –loving person inside! I have made myself a victim and a martyr (not consciously), and it’s all changing this year.

I was reading today in a book called “Finding the Angel Within” which is a sequel to the book “Running with Angels” written by Pamela H. Hansen who was obese and writes about her journey to become healthy again. I loved her first book so I had to get her second one. Anyway, she was talking about repentance. We usually associate repentance with needing to repent when we’ve sinned or done something really bad. But the definition of repentance (from the Bible Dictionary) refers to “a change of mind, ie, a fresh view about God and about oneself, and about the world… a turning of the heart and will to God.” She goes on to say, “As we turn our hearts and will to God, we are then able to change the way we feel about ourselves, and we are on the road of repentance.”

I guess I could call my journey, a journey of repentance! I am changing my mind to no longer be self-loathing. I am changing my ways to take care of my body and myself. I am worth that! I am choosing to forgive others – even when I feel bitterly betrayed. I will let it go. I have only been hurting myself by continually remembering and analyzing all the injustices I’ve experienced in my past… and I’ve only been hurting myself by overeating and holding on to my weight! This is all hard to admit openly, I am usually a private person, but I wanted to write it down to show myself that I know I need to repent and make these changes so that I can BE happier and BE there for those who need me and love me.

I know reaching these goals won’t be easy, BUT I can feel the Lord helping me, and I already feel so much lighter and freer! And when I get thinner, I will never forget how I felt being obese and the struggle I’ve gone through! It will make it so much sweeter to have reached my goal… BOTH goals, physically and emotionally!