I've been converting my home videos to the computer and I ran across this video today. It's me opening gifts on my birthday in 2006. I haven't seen this video since it was made and I was SHOCKED to see myself. I am morbidly HUGE with that big spare tire and I almost don't have a neck with my double chin. Although at this time, I was just starting to come out of my "cave", I was also haunted by the years and years of SELF LOATHING. I honestly couldn't imagine anyone ever wanting to be my friend or hang around me. (Thus, I pretty much had no social life for 20+ years!) I didn't ever want to go out in public. The only way I did was by pretending that I wasn't fat... which made it difficult when I passed my reflection... even shocking. I never want to be this big again!!!
You may not notice in this video too, the small case of Trichotillomania I had. For YEARS I had no bottom eye lashes and was constantly massacring my eyebrows. I didn't mean to do this to myself... it's hard to explain, but I think inside, it was a physical manifestation of the disgust I had for myself. To actually get into "cutting" or other self-injurious behaviors would have been too obvious to me, and I would never do something like that. It has taken a few years but I have overcome this and I have all my lashes and brows! That is one personal battle I have conquered but it wasn't easy. It is hard and frankly embarrassing to bring all this to light, but I feel that by doing so, I am able to face these old issues head on and let go of the past me and move forward. And if anyone reading this relates to these kind of issues, I hope they would know that they can conquer this too!!
This picture of me and my son was taken just yesterday. I was very surprised because I think my face looks thinner... less of a double chin. I really do think it might be the angle again, but either way, I like this picture of me! I look happy. I look like someone that I would want to be friends with! Thankfully, I think I am more of a friend to that girl now, too!